In My Head
by GleekForHemo
Summary: How was she supposed to explain that her mind had turned into a jumbled mess and nothing made sense anymore? How could Santana possibly understand when Brittany didn't even understand it herself? Warning: deals with an eating disorder. Brittany centric. AU.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Hi! A Dutch book inspired me to write this. This is just a short introduction to the story to get things started. The next chapter should be up soon if people like it. Please leave a review if you want to. :) _

_Ps. Don't worry, I haven't given up on my other story._

_Disclaimer : I don't own Glee._

* * *

**Chapter 1**

Brittany was sitting on the couch with her knees drawn to her chest. She squinted her eyes at the small TV on the other end of the room but she couldn't really see much. It didn't matter though because she had seen the Notebook a thousand times already so she had every detail of it memorized. Not because she loved it so much. No that was definitely not the reason, she thought it was way too sad but it was Quinn's favorite movie and every time their movie night took place at her house, Brittany and Santana weren't surprised that it was one of the choices. According to Quinn it was the best movie ever written and even though the other two didn't particularly share that opinion, neither of them ever said anything.

"Can you pass me the popcorn?" Santana whispered, her head resting on Brittany's shoulder.

"Be quiet." Quinn said from her place on the floor, holding up a hand to emphasize her words. "This is the best part."

"You always say that." Brittany chuckled softly. She leaned forwards to pick up the bowl from the table, grabbing a handful of popcorn for herself before passing it along to Santana.

"Babe, you ate almost everything." Santana complained, faking an annoyed expression.

"Sorry." Brittany grinned, stuffing the handful of popcorn in her mouth and chewing exaggeratingly loud.

Santana laughed and scrunched up her nose. "Gross."

"How am I supposed to get into a romantic mood when I keep hearing your voices in the background?" Quinn asked, turning around to face them.

"Aren't you always in a romantic mood?" Brittany asked. "I'm pretty sure that you can find your name under the word 'romantic' in the dictionary."

"Well, I still want to enjoy the movie." Quinn mumbled. Brittany smiled and shook her head in amusement, she knew that her friend was just pretending. Quinn would never be angry about something so simple.

"Ladies and gentleman, I'm kindly requesting you to remain silent for the rest of the night so that our Royal Majesty can watch her beloved movie without any distractions." Santana announced with a fake posh accent. Brittany giggled and pressed a kiss to her girlfriend's cheek.

Just at that moment, the door opened and Quinn's mom walked into the room. She was balancing a large tray with drinks on one hand. "Why is it so dark in here?"

"Your daughter wanted to create a romantic atmosphere." Santana explained.

Judy laughed and placed the tray on the table. "Poor girls." She said, her voiced laced with pity. She took a seat on the armrest of the couch. "Is she making you watch the Notebook again?"

"Yes, it's awful." Brittany replied with a small pout.

"Absolute torture." Santana agreed, smiling at her girlfriend.

"Okay, you've made your point." Quinn groaned, glaring at her friends. "Can I at least watch the last few minutes without your commentary?"

"Of course Ma'am." Santana replied, zipping her lips and throwing away the key. They didn't say anything for the rest of the movie, not even after it ended and the credits rolled down the screen. All out of respect for Quinn. Santana followed the blonde with her eyes as she took the disk out of the DVD-player. She raised her eyebrows. "Aren't you going to rewind it?"

Quinn turned around and tilted her head. "That's actually a pretty good idea." She smirked at the expression on the brunette's face. "Calm your tits S, I was just kidding."

Judy stood up. "I'll take this as my cue to leave." She walked towards the door and glanced over her shoulder. "Who wants a grilled cheese sandwich?"

It was an unnecessary question, they would never say no to an offer like that but Santana and Brittany both raised their hand to be polite. Judy smiled and disappeared from the room. Santana cuddled a little closer to Brittany and started to trace invisible patterns on the blonde's arm. "So, what movie is next?"

Quinn bent down to pick up the other two DVD's that were lying on the floor. She held them up in the air. "Mean Girls or Bridget Jones?"

Santana groaned. "Why can't we just watch a horror movie for once?" She rolled her eyes when Quinn just stared at her with a blank expression. "Britt, which one do you prefer?"

Brittany shrugged and took a sip from her drink. "Bridget Jones, I guess."

"Great." Quinn said with a satisfied grin. She put the disk in the DVD-player and returned to her spot on the floor, wrapping a blanket around her shoulders. They were about ten minutes into the movie when Judy quietly tiptoed into the room. She put a plate with a pile of sandwiches on the table, earning a grateful smile from Santana and Brittany, before disappearing from the room again.

"Did you know that Renee Zellweger had to gain weight for this role?" Quinn asked as she reached out for a sandwich.

"I wouldn't mind eating a little more if I'd get a few million dollars for it." Santana said with a shrug.

"It's not that easy to lose the added weight again though." Quinn replied.

"I'm sure that she has a bunch of personal trainers to help her with that." Santana pointed out, taking a bite out of her sandwich.

Quinn nodded her head in agreement and focused her attention on the screen. A few seconds later, she spoke up again. "Do you know who's really fat?" She took the silence as a sign to continue. "Patricia Robbins from school."

"She might have a medical condition." Brittany said.

"Please." Quinn rolled her eyes. "She just eats too much. She's busy stuffing food in her mouth every time I look at her."

"Who gives a shit?" Santana joined the conversation. She scrunched her eyebrows together. "I didn't know that you were so shallow."

"You're one to talk." Quinn huffed, clearly becoming annoyed. Tension hung in the air as Brittany quietly reached out for a sandwich. "I wouldn't do that if I were you." Quinn said, earning a questioning look from Brittany. "You could lose some weight too." Brittany felt all the color drain from her face.

"What the fuck Quinn!" Santana practically yelled. "Brittany's perfect just the way she is. Keep your mouth shut if you don't have anything nice to say." She gently rubbed her hand up and down Brittany's back. "Don't listen to her, babe. She's just a jealous bitch!"

"Jeez, I was just kidding!" Quinn threw her hands up in defense. "Brittany knows that too. Right B?"

Brittany forced a smile. "Of course." There were a million thoughts going through her mind. Had it really been a joke or was Quinn just saying that to please Santana? She swallowed thickly and dropped the sandwich back on the plate without anyone noticing.

Once the film was over, they laid down on the mattresses that were spread across the floor. They continued to chat for a while and Santana couldn't help but notice that Brittany was being extremely quiet. She figured that the blonde was just tired and didn't question it.

They fell asleep long after midnight.

* * *

Santana and Brittany decided to go shopping the next day. Quinn couldn't join them because she had to visit her grandparents. When they arrived at the mall, it was extremely crowded and they had to fight their way through the mass of people. Santana growled angrily when someone roughly bumped into her shoulder. "Watch where you're going asshole!"

Brittany grabbed her hand and dragged her into a store. "San, that's mean." She didn't wait for a response and began to look through the clothes rack. She held up a pair of jeans for Santana to see. "What do you think?"

"You should try them on." Santana replied, giving her a small smile.

Brittany nodded and made her way into a dressing room. Once she had stripped out of her skirt, she held the jeans up in front of her and stepped into them. While attempting to pull them up, she realized that they were a lot tighter than she had initially thought. She hopped up and down in a circle until she finally managed to pull them over her hips. She buttoned them and pulled up the zipper, slightly out of breath.

She stared into the mirror and eyed herself closely, scanning every part of her body. The jeans were so tight that she could barely breathe. She wondered if the mirror made her look fat or if she just was. Quinn's comment echoed in her mind, was she right after all? Brittany sighed and pinched the skin of her hips between her fingers, an uneasy feeling settling in her chest.

"Britt?" She heard Santana's voice call out for her. "Are you in there?"

Brittany realized that she had taken a lot more time than necessary. She didn't want Santana to see her like this, knowing that she would probably point out that the jeans were too tight but there was no way out of it. She took a deep breath and hesitantly drew back the curtain. She nervously chewed on her bottom lip as she waited for Santana's reaction.

"They look great!" Santana said enthusiastically. "You should totally buy them."

"Really?" Brittany asked, averting her gaze to the floor. She couldn't help but feel a little uncomfortable under her girlfriend's stare.

"Can I ask you something?" An unfamiliar voice piped up before Santana had the chance to say anything. Brittany lifted her head and nodded at the redhead that was looking at her. "Where did you find those?" The girl asked, pointing at Brittany's jeans.

"This was the last pair." Brittany replied, giving her an apologetic smile.

"Oh." The girl sighed unhappily. Her eyes scanned up and down Brittany's body and a thoughtful look spread across her features. "Aren't they a little tight? Around your thighs?"

"Shut your mouth!" Santana snarled, anger evident on her face. "You're just jealous because you look like a potato that just stepped out of a blender."

Brittany's cheeks turned red with embarrassment and she wished that she could just disappear. She heard laughter around her and she wondered if it was directed towards her. She swallowed the lump in her throat and had to blink back the tears that were burning behind her eyes. For some reason, the simplest things made her want to cry nowadays.

"Brittany?" Santana's voice pulled her from her thoughts. She instantly noticed that the redhead wasn't there anymore. Her eyes met concerned brown ones. "Are you okay?" Santana asked. Brittany nodded her head in response and even managed a small smile. Santana eyed her curiously for a few seconds but decided to let it go. "I'm going to try on a few t-shirts."

Brittany watched as she disappeared into a dressing room. She hesitantly dared a glance at the full-length mirror on the wall. Santana was clearly blind, how could she not have seen how fat her ass looked in these jeans? Brittany let out a shuddering breath and closed her eyes for a few seconds. Her stomach ached but she had herself to blame for that. She shouldn't have eaten so much sandwiches last night. She should probably stop eating so much in general.

It was then that she made a decision, she was going to buy the pair of jeans and lose enough weight for them to fit perfectly. A satisfied smile played on her lips as she walked back into the dressing room to get changed.


	2. Chapter 2

_Hi, thanks for the reviews/follows. I forgot to mention it last chapter but this story won't include the Cheerios and the Glee club (hence AU). Here's the next chapter! :) Ps. I'm working on the next chapter of TNT so hopefully that'll be up soon._

_Disclaimer: I still don't own Glee. _

* * *

**Chapter 2**

Brittany woke up to the sun shining brightly into her room. She opened her eyes and glanced at the alarm clock on the bedside table. Her lips formed into a small smile when she realized that it was Sunday. That meant another day without boring classes and annoying teachers. School was not exactly her favorite place to be. It was hard for her to concentrate on one thing and she hated being trapped within four walls all day.

She let out a content sigh and climbed out of bed. It had been a week since she started her diet. Well, she had given up unhealthy snacks such as candy, chocolate, cake and every other calorie bomb. That way she would easily fit into her new pair of jeans at the end of the month.

Santana had agreed to come over to her house in a few hours so Brittany had plenty of time to kill. She grabbed her bag off the floor and took a seat behind her desk. She was just about to start on her homework when the door opened. Brittany smiled when her four year old brother shuffled into her room.

"Good morning. Did you sleep well?" She asked. She chuckled when Charlie didn't reply and lifted the boy onto her lap. "It seems like you're still a little tired. Maybe I should put you back in bed."

"No, I'm awake." Charlie protested with a pout. Brittany laughed as he held his eyelids open with his fingers.

She pressed a kiss to his forehead. "Come on, let's go downstairs to get something to eat."

Charlie nodded and stuck out his tiny arms. Brittany narrowed her eyes. "You're almost five, can't you walk on your own?" She laughed when Charlie just stared at her with an innocent expression. "Okay, fine."

Charlie grinned widely and wrapped his arms around Brittany's neck. She groaned as she began to carry him downstairs. "You're getting heavy, Char."

"No, you are!" Charlie giggled adorably. Brittany smiled sadly. Her little brother probably had no idea how much truth those words held.

Brittany walked into the kitchen where her parents were already sitting at the kitchen table, both hidden behind a newspaper.

"Good morning." Brittany greeted them. She shook her head when she received a few incoherent words in response. She set Charlie down in a chair and ruffled his hair. "What do you want for breakfast?"

"Peanut butter!" Charlie exclaimed excitedly.

"Do you mean a peanut butter sandwich?" Brittany asked, already looking through the cabinets to find the right products.

Charlie shook his head. "No just peanut butter, I saw you eat it from the jar once!"

"Brittany," Her mom lowered her newspaper. "you're supposed to set an example for your brother."

"It's too late for that." Her dad said in a disapproving tone. Brittany sighed and handed Charlie his sandwich and a glass of milk. She prepared herself a sandwich with cheese and no butter.

"Tired?" Brittany asked her mom as she took a seat next to Charlie, noticing the dark circles under her eyes. Linda nodded and raised her hand to her mouth to stifle a yawn.

"I had a busy week at work." She explained. She owned a jewelry shop and often traveled out of town to look at new collections. "Speaking of work," She jumped up and grabbed something out of her purse. "I brought you something." She said, handing Brittany a black box.

Brittany opened it and smiled when she saw a pair of earrings. Her mom often brought her presents from work. "Thanks mom, they're beautiful."

"You're welcome, sweetie." Linda replied, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "I'm going to take a shower."

Brittany watched as she disappeared from the room and focused her attention on her plate again. She was proud of herself for eating a light breakfast instead of greasy pancakes like usual.

* * *

After breakfast, Brittany decided to go for a jog. It had been a week since she had started her diet but the amount of weight she had lost wasn't enough.

She searched through her closet until she found a pair of brand new sneakers. Exercising wasn't exactly her favorite thing to do. She always took the bus to school because she didn't have a car and plopped down on the couch as soon as she got home. But that was going to change today.

She sighed in frustration when she couldn't find a pair of sweatpants. She thought for a few seconds until an idea hit her. She quickly walked towards Madison's room. Unlike Brittany, her older sister _was_ a sports fanatic.

Brittany knew that Madison was probably still asleep so she went inside without bothering to knock. It was dark in the room but Brittany easily found her way around things. She had spent plenty of time crying on her older sister's shoulder or complaining about school. They used to be really close but that changed once Madison started at a local college. She was always busy now and almost never home.

Brittany grabbed the first pair of sweatpants she could find and quietly tiptoed out of the room. She quickly got changed and went downstairs. "I'll be right back." She announced to her parents before making her way outside.

She breathed in the cold air and did a few stretching exercises to avoid being sore in the morning.

She walked down the driveway and began to jog in a slow tempo. One foot after the other. The wind blew through her hair, turning it into a tangled mess but she didn't care. It felt nice to be active.

* * *

Brittany was just laying on her bed, mindlessly flipping through a magazine, when Santana walked into her room. Brittany looked up with a surprised expression and flashed her a bright smile. "Hey babe."

Santana returned the smile and sat down on the edge of the bed. She leaned in and gave Brittany a gentle kiss on the lips. "Your dad let me in." She explained after they parted. Her eye fell on the magazine in Brittany's hands. "What are you reading?"

"Some article about a girl named Kristen Stewart." Brittany replied. "Is she related to Martha Stewart?"

"No, she's from those Twilight movies." Santana explained, smiling at the confused expression on her girlfriend's face. "She's pretty hot."

"Yeah?" Brittany asked, her lips forming into a small pout. "Hotter than me?"

Santana laughed and leaned in to steal another quick kiss. "Of course not, you're the most beautiful girl in the world."

"You're just saying that because you want to get into my pants." Brittany teased. Santana covered her heart with her hand, feigning heart break. Brittany shook her head in amusement and stood up to walk towards her dresser. She quickly changed into a loose-fitting hoodie. "I promised Charlie that we'll take him to the park."

"Okay." Santana mumbled, her eyes scanning over an article in the magazine that Brittany had been reading earlier. Brittany let out a heavy sigh and this caught Santana's attention. She looked up. "Is everything okay?"

Brittany bit her lip and hesitated for a moment before asking, "Do you think I'm fat?"

Santana's jaw dropped in shock. She quickly stood up and hugged Brittany from behind. "No, baby, of course I don't. You have an amazing body." She placed a kiss on the exposed skin of her girlfriend's neck. "Where is this suddenly coming from? Is it because of what Quinn said?"

Brittany looked down at her feet and shrugged in response.

"Britt, listen to me." Santana sighed sadly. "Quinn wasn't being serious. She was irritated because of me and decided to be a bitch by taking it out on you. You are not fat, okay?" She waited for Brittany to nod before adding, "I love you so much."

"I love you too, San." Brittany replied with a smile. She turned in Santana's arms and captured the brunette's lips with her own. Santana hummed in approval and pulled Brittany closer to deepen the kiss.

Suddenly, Charlie burst into the room and they jumped apart. "Are you coming?" He asked.

"Not anytime soon, thanks to you." Santana mumbled in annoyance.

When they came downstairs, her dad was still sitting at the kitchen table. He looked up from his newspaper and smiled brightly. "There you are. Your mom baked a chocolate cake this morning." He said as he stood up.

Charlie squealed in excitement and climbed onto a chair. Peter chuckled at his son's enthusiasm and returned with the cake seconds later. Brittany licked her lips at the sight but politely declined when her dad offered her a slice. She smiled inwardly, if she kept this up, she'd be able to fit into the jeans in no time.

* * *

Brittany woke up to the sound of a blaring alarm clock. She clumsily reached out to turn it off and groaned when she realized that it was Monday. She blearily cracked her eyes open and forced herself to get out of bed. It was already pretty late and she would have to hurry up if she didn't want to miss the bus. Sleepily, she looked through her closet but there wasn't anything in it she felt like wearing. She sighed and grabbed a random pair of jeans and a t-shirt.

Two weeks had passed and Brittany was still strictly following her diet. Sometimes she would catch herself being tempted to grab a snack but she was always able to stop herself at the last moment. Refusing unhealthy food made her feel good, it made her feel strong. At first she hadn't thought that she'd be able to keep it up so she was proud of herself.

Ever since she had started her diet, Brittany weighed herself every Sunday. It bothered her that she had only lost a few pounds so far. Things weren't going nearly as fast as she wanted them to. A lot of things that she ate every day weren't really necessary. For example, the sandwiches that she always had for lunch could easily go without the thick layer of butter.

Brittany came to the conclusion that it was time to take things a little further. Otherwise, she would never be able to fit into her new pair of jeans at the end of the month.

She checked herself in the mirror and that familiar uneasy feeling settled in her chest. Her mind kept screaming the word 'fat' at her. She grabbed a different t-shirt and quickly put it on before eyeing herself in the mirror again. Her eyes scanned up and down her body and lingered on her thighs. It wasn't long before she decided that this outfit didn't look good either. She was just about to change again when her dad's voice stopped her.

"Charlie, Brittany, breakfast is ready!" He called from downstairs. Brittany figured that her mom had probably left already. She always went to the store before opening hours to do some administrative work.

Brittany glanced at her watch and realized that there was no time to change. She frowned unhappily before quickly throwing some books in her bag and rushing downstairs. Charlie was already sitting at the kitchen table, happily chatting away while their dad was busy making them lunch for school. Brittany had told him that she was perfectly capable of doing it herself a million times before but he always refused to listen.

"Britt, what kind of sandwich do you want?" He asked.

"Uh, just cheese please." Brittany replied before quickly adding, "no butter."

Brittany listened to Charlie who was going on and on about some cartoon character while quietly eating a bowl of cornflakes. After she had finished eating, she stood up and quickly grabbed her lunch bag from the kitchen counter. She kissed her father's cheek and hugged Charlie before rushing out the door.

She was breathing heavily when she reached the bus stop. She quickly climbed aboard and found a seat in the back. When she arrived at school, she had recovered from her earlier sprint and slowly walked into the building. She couldn't help but feel a little down, school always had that effect on her.

"Who died?" A familiar voice suddenly piped up from behind her.

Brittany looked at Quinn with a confused expression. "Huh?"

"Why are you looking so sad?" Her friend wanted to know.

"It's Monday." Brittany simply replied. Luckily, this answer was good enough for Quinn and she let it go. Brittany always hated the first day of the week. It was hard for her to go back to class after having done nothing for two days. On the weekends she didn't have to worry about things. School related things at least.

"Britt, are you even listening?" Quinn's voice snapped Brittany out of her thoughts.

Brittany blinked a few times. "Sorry, what were you saying?"

"I just spotted the new girl that will be starting here today. Do you want to go over and say hi?" Quinn repeated herself, already walking in the girl's direction.

"No, I agreed to meet Santana at her locker." Brittany replied. She didn't really feel like chatting with the new girl. From the corner of her eye, she had already noticed how good looking she was. She had long brown hair, blue eyes and she was wearing tight clothes to accentuate her amazing figure. Jealousy flared up inside of Brittany and she walked away with quick strides.

Santana was already waiting at her locker. She pecked Brittany on the cheek. "Good morning, babe."

"Morning." Brittany mumbled in response.

Santana raised her eyebrows. "Are you in one of those moods again?"

"What are you talking about?" Brittany asked.

"You've been acting a little down lately." Santana replied with shrug.

Before Brittany had the chance to say anything, Kurt suddenly appeared next to them. "Who is Quinn talking to?" He asked curiously.

"Some new girl who transferred here." Santana answered him.

Kurt nodded. "Should we go talk to her? Quinn seems to be getting along with her."

"No thank you." Santana said. "Quinn will probably force us to have lunch with her new BFF so I'll introduce myself then."

Brittany nodded in agreement. She followed Kurt with her eyes as he walked towards the two girls. He exchanged a few words with them before they all burst out into laughter. The new girl was trying a little too hard and Brittany fought the urge to roll her eyes.

"She seems nice." Santana commented.

Brittany clenched her jaw and simply nodded in response. She didn't know what was going on with her. She already hated the new girl while she hadn't even met her yet. She realized that she was being ridiculous but she couldn't help herself.

For some reason she couldn't tear her eyes away from the brunette. She had a body to die for and Brittany felt like a whale compared to her. Unconsciously, she pulled her t-shirt a little further over her hips.

* * *

Brittany's first few classes passed in a blur. She was currently sitting next to Santana in Spanish class. The new girl was in this class too and introduced herself as Caitlyn. Her Spanish pronunciation was perfect, much to Brittany's annoyance, and their teacher went out of his way to compliment her.

"Thank you, Caitlyn." Mr. Rodriguez said with a bright smile. "Just take a seat over there."

Caitlyn nodded and walked to the back of the class. Almost all the guys followed her with their eyes. Santana nudged Brittany's shoulder and leaned in to whisper in her ear. "You could fill a bucket with the amount of drooling Puck is doing. It's disgusting."

Brittany couldn't help but giggle at this. Mr. Rodriguez arched an eyebrow at her. "Care to tell us what's so funny?"

"I'm sorry, sir." Brittany quickly apologized. Mr. Rodriguez nodded in appreciation and continued to explain some grammar rules.

"The mole on his upper lip is bigger than the state of Ohio." Santana whispered, causing Brittany to crack up again.

"Miss Pierce." Mr. Rodriguez said firmly. "Apparently it's too hard for you to pay attention. Please leave this classroom."

Brittany knew that there was no point in fighting him on this. She stood up and began to shove her books in her bag when Santana spoke up, "Actually, it was my fault. I was simply stating a fact about the ugly ass mole on your face."

Anger flashed in Mr. Rodriguez's eyes. "Get out." He ordered in a low voice. "Both of you."

Santana just shrugged and quickly gathered her things before following Brittany out of the room. Brittany closed the door behind them and shook her head in disbelief, a small smile playing on her lips. "Why did you do that?"

Santana grinned. "I wasn't going to let you take the fall for a bunch of stupid comments I made."

"They were accurate though." Brittany said. "Not just Puck but all the guys were pretty much undressing Caitlyn with her eyes."

"She's not even that good-looking." Santana replied. She took Brittany's hand and gave it a gentle tug, indicating that they should start walking.

"Uh-huh." Brittany said sarcastically. "Have you seen her body?"

"Oh so you've been checking her out?" Santana asked, faking a serious expression. "Should I be jealous?"

Brittany quickly shook her head. "Of course not."

"Okay." Santana laughed. "To answer your question, you're almost as skinny as she is."

Santana continued to chat away but Brittany didn't hear a word of what she was saying. The same thing kept echoing in her mind; _You're almost as skinny as she is. Almost._ Tears welled up in her eyes, wasn't that just a different way of saying that she was fat? She felt her throat constrict. She blinked a few times to clear her blurry vision but it didn't work.

Brittany suddenly pulled her hand out of Santana's grip. She darted into the nearest bathroom and locked herself into one of the stalls. It was only then that she realized that she was trembling. She bent over, resting her hands on her knees, and tried to get her breathing under control.

After a while, she could feel herself becoming calmer and she wiped away the tears on her cheeks. Someone entered the bathroom and seconds later Brittany heard Santana's voice, "Britt, are you in here?"

Brittany quickly flushed the toilet. She inhaled deeply, unlocked the door and slowly pushed it open. Her eyes met concerned brown ones. "I'm sorry, I had to go really badly." She said with an apologetic smile. She could tell that Santana wasn't buying her explanation so she quickly walked over to the sink and began to wash her hands to busy herself.

"Are you sure?" Santana asked.

Brittany nodded and quickly dried her hands. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"It looked like there was something bothering you and then you suddenly ran off." Santana replied softly. She took a step closer and placed a hand on Brittany's cheek. "I'm worried."

"Well, don't be." Brittany snapped, turning her head away. "The next time I have to go to the bathroom I'll make sure to ask for your permission."

Santana's eyes narrowed and she let her arm fall to her side. "What is up with you lately?"

Brittany felt her stomach twist as guilt flooded her body. She had never been dishonest with Santana before but she didn't have a choice. How was she supposed to explain that her mind had turned into a jumbled mess and nothing made sense anymore? How could Santana possibly understand when Brittany didn't even understand it herself?

"I'm sorry." Brittany finally said. "I'm just tired."

Santana carefully studied her face and then nodded once. "Okay." She said, uncertainty written all over her features. "Let's get out of here."

* * *

The bell rang and students slowly started pouring into the cafeteria. Santana and Brittany were already sitting at their usual table when Quinn walked up to them, closely followed by Caitlyn.

"Hey guys, this is Caitlyn." Quinn said as they both took a seat.

"We already knew that." Santana told the blonde. She looked at Caitlyn. "I'm Santana."

"It's nice to meet you." Caitlyn replied with a shy smile. Brittany clenched her jaw and watched as Santana shook her hand. She could swear that Caitlyn blushed at the contact but maybe she was just imaging things. Brittany knew that she was being completely unreasonable but she couldn't help it.

She was snapped out of her thoughts when Santana placed a hand on her arm. The brunette looked at her curiously. "Are you okay?" She asked. Brittany nodded. Santana smiled softly and gave her arm a gentle squeeze before retracting her hand.

Brittany realized that Caitlyn was still waiting for her to introduce herself. She put on the best smile she could manage and said, "I'm Brittany."

Caitlyn nodded happily and began to eat her lunch. They chatted about random things but Brittany couldn't really bring herself to focus on the conversation. She had always had the habit of zoning out but lately it was happening a lot more frequently.

"Puck is staring at you." Quinn's voice finally brought Brittany back to reality.

Caitlyn laughed. "He can stare all he wants. I'm not interested."

"Why not?" Quinn asked. "He's kind of hot."

"I'm sure he is." Caitlyn replied with a shrug. "But I'm not interested in guys period."

This caught Santana's attention. "You're a lesbian?" She asked. Caitlyn nodded and Brittany couldn't stop herself from rolling her eyes. 'Of course she is,' she thought to herself. Santana just smiled. "That's cool. I'm the only out lesbian at this school so it's nice to meet someone who knows what I'm going through."

Brittany couldn't help but feel a little hurt by this. She sank further into her seat and quietly asked, "Because I don't?"

Santana turned to look at Brittany and felt her heart clench at the hurt expression on her girlfriend's face. "Baby, don't be upset. You know what I meant. It's different for you."

Brittany frowned. "Why? Because I'm bisexual?"

"It's not that." Santana said calmly. "Everyone already knew that you were so it didn't surprise anyone when we started dating. You never had to go through the whole coming out process."

"So?" Brittany asked, becoming a little angry. "I have to deal with the looks and the hateful words just as much as you do."

Santana's features softened and she took the blonde's hand in her own. "I know, you're right. I'm sorry." She apologized. She pressed a kiss to Brittany's hand and Brittany immediately felt all her anger disappear.

She gave Santana a small smile. "It's okay."

Quinn cleared her throat, reminding them that they weren't the only ones at the table. Caitlyn looked at Santana and said, "I'm always here if you ever feel the need to talk."

And with that, Brittany's anger and jealousy returned in full force.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3  
**  
It was quiet when Brittany got home from school. Brittany's parents would be coming home from work soon and Charlie was staying with her grandparents. It was the Friday before they'd have one week off from school because of Thanksgiving and Puck was throwing a party tonight to celebrate.

Brittany was planning on finally wearing her new pair of jeans. She quickly made her way upstairs and grabbed the item of clothing. Nervously, she stepped into them and slowly pulled them up. She smiled widely when she realized that they fit easily. She didn't even have to hold her breath like the last time.

One month of no snacks, daily runs and smaller portions for lunch had paid off. She had lost 7 pounds. It hadn't even taken her that much effort. Of course she had craved some unhealthy food every now and then but she had been able to push through and for that she felt proud.

With a mood ten times brighter than before, she continued to prepare herself for the party.

"Hi dad." Brittany greeted her father a little while later. He was rummaging through the refrigerator and looked over his shoulder.

"Hey honey." He replied, grabbing some products before closing the door. "Are those jeans new?" Brittany was surprised that he had noticed. Her dad never noticed these sort of things. She nodded shyly. "They look good on you."

"Thanks." Brittany beamed at him. She didn't know why it felt so amazing to receive a compliment.

She watched as her dad began to prepare dinner. A frown settled on her forehead at the amount of oil he used. 'No wonder I'm still so fat', she thought to herself. She made a mental note to fill her plate with vegetables so that her parents wouldn't notice that she skipped the meat.

* * *

When Brittany and Santana arrived at the party a few hours later, the house was already packed with people. Santana grabbed Brittany's hand and led them through the crowd and towards a table full of alcohol. She poured them both a drink and handed Brittany a cup.

"Thanks." Brittany smiled.

Puck always had the best parties. His house was huge and the living room was wide with wooden flooring that was perfect for dancing. They walked into the kitchen where games of beer pong were happening and spotted Quinn and Kurt.

"Where's your new BFF?" Santana asked Quinn.

"I don't know." Quinn shrugged. Her eyes scanned over Brittany's outfit. "You look great Britt, I love those jeans."

"Have you lost weight?" Kurt asked.

Brittany blushed at the attention. She could feel Santana's eyes burn holes in the side of her head but she ignored it. Her stomach was doing all sorts of aerobic activities, in the best possible way. She smiled. "I don't know. I haven't really paid attention to it."

"Hey guys!" Caitlyn suddenly appeared next to them.

Brittany's good mood instantly disappeared. The rest greeted her enthusiastically though so Brittany forced herself to do the same thing even though she was feeling extremely uncomfortable. She felt like a sack of potatoes next to the brunette who looked amazing as always.

Brittany eyes landed on a group of girls who were laughing hysterically. They were obviously a few years younger than her. Brittany wished that she could go back to being so carefree as them. These days it was hard to keep her thoughts in order. Even the simplest decisions often caused chaos in her mind.

"Do you want to dance?" Santana asked.

Brittany nodded and allowed her girlfriend to lead her towards the group of dancing people. It was a fast song and Brittany began to rock her hips to the beat. Santana wrapped her arms around the blonde's waist and followed the movements.

After a few minutes, the song died down and Santana leaned in to whisper in Brittany's ear, "I'm going to get another drink."

Brittany nodded. Santana smiled and gave her a chaste kiss on the lips before walking away.

Another song started to play and Brittany quickly lost herself in the music again. After a few minutes, her eyes landed on Santana and she saw that her girlfriend was chatting with Caitlyn. She abruptly stopped moving and had to fight the urge to walk up to them. They were smiling and laughing and Brittany didn't like it in the slightest. Deep down, she knew that there was absolutely no reason to be angry but she couldn't stop the thoughts that were racing through her mind.

Caitlyn placed a hand on Santana's arm and said something that caused another round of giggles. For some reason Brittany felt like crying. That had been happening a lot more often lately.

It must've been evident on her face because Quinn suddenly walked up to her. The smaller blonde narrowed her eyes in concern. "Are you feeling alright?"

It was then that Brittany realized that she was still frozen in place. She quickly nodded her head and forced a smile. "Yeah, I'll be right back. I have to go the bathroom."

Brittany found the bathroom at the end of the hall. She sighed in frustration when it was occupied and decided to go outside instead.

The feeling of nausea slowly subsided in the cold air and it felt like she could breathe again. She checked her watch and grimaced when she realized that they had only been at the party for an hour.

"There you are." She suddenly heard Santana's voice behind her.

"I just went to get some air." Brittany explained.

Santana nodded and wrapped an arm around her girlfriend's shoulders. She frowned at how tense the blonde was. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Brittany mumbled.

Santana's frown deepened. She gently cupped Brittany's chin, forcing eye-contact. "Sweetie, what's going on? Talk to me."

Brittany stared into brown orbs that held nothing but love and sincerity. She suddenly felt like the worst person in the world for not trusting her girlfriend. She took Santana's hand in her own and laced their fingers together. "Everything's fine, I promise. Let's get back inside."

Before Santana had the chance to say anything, she was already being pulled back into the house.

For the remainder of the night Brittany tried to spent little attention to Caitlyn but the uneasy feeling in her chest returned every time Santana laughed at something the girl said.

* * *

Brittany was lying in her bed, counting the cracks in the ceiling. Her brain felt numb and mushy from her earlier crying fit. She had replayed the events at the party in her head so many times. Caitlyn's presence intimated her. She was so scared that one day Santana would find someone who was better, smarter and prettier than her. Caitlyn was obviously attractive and it bothered Brittany that she spent so much time with Santana.

Everything seemed to confuse her nowadays. Her head was filled with chaos and darkness. It hadn't always been like that. Up until a few months ago, everything seemed so easy and nothing bothered her. Now it felt like there was something stopping her from thinking clearly. It almost felt like she didn't know herself anymore.

Brittany pulled herself into a seated position. She felt the strong need to scream out and ask for help but her mouth stayed shut. She wanted to run away from all the feelings she didn't know how to deal with. There had to be a way to get a grip on the confusing chaos in her mind but no matter how hard she thought about it, she couldn't find the answer.

The only thing she seemed to be in control of was her own body. The amount of food she ate, or rather, the amount of food she didn't eat.

She had lost 7 pounds and it felt great but she still wasn't satisfied. The number didn't sound right in Brittany's mind. If she went back to eating normal, she would gain the lost weight in no time. If she lost a little more weight, she would have more space if she accidently ate too much. To accomplish that goal, she would have to find out how many calories there were in different products.

Brittany noticed that she instantly relaxed a little. Thinking about food always made her feel calm.

She climbed out of bed and took a seat at her desk. She quickly grabbed her laptop and opened Google. A few clicks of the mouse later, she was looking at a list with all the right information. She was shocked to find out how many calories there were in the food she ate every day without thinking twice.

She yanked open a drawer and grabbed an empty notebook. She began to scribble down the products she ate almost every day and added the amount of calories that were in it. She also made a 'good' list and a 'bad' list. She was going to have to memorize these lists if she wanted to make the right choices.

Brittany was so caught up in her work that she didn't notice someone coming into her room until the person was standing next to her. She felt her heart-rate speed up and she quickly closed her laptop. She sighed in relief when she met the curious eyes of her little brother.

"Dammit Charlie, how many times do I have to tell you not to come into my room without knocking?" She asked angrily.

Charlie's eyes widened and his lips formed into a sad pout. "I'm sorry Britty."

Brittany sighed. "It's okay, you just scared me." She said in a much softer tone. She leaned down and gave her brother a quick hug. "Let's go downstairs, breakfast is probably ready."

Charlie nodded happily and rushed out the door. Brittany changed into different clothes before following him. She knew that there was no way out of this, her parents always insisted that they all had breakfast together on the weekends.

"Good morning, honey." Her mom greeted her when she walked into the kitchen. Before Brittany had the chance to reply, she felt her phone buzz in her pocket. She sighed when she saw Santana's name flash across the screen.

"Hi." She answered the phone.

"Hey babe." Santana said in a cheery voice. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yes." Brittany simply replied. "What's up?"

"Since when do I need a reason to call my girlfriend?" Santana asked, letting out a soft chuckle. "Are you going to tell me what happened at the party?"

"It was nothing." Brittany lied. "It was so crowded and I got a little overwhelmed. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, don't apologize." Santana said softly. A few seconds of silence passed before she spoke again. "Did you have a good time though?"

Brittany nodded but then realized that Santana couldn't see her. "Sure. Did you?"

"Hmm." Santana hummed. "Caitlyn told me the funniest story."

Santana continued to talk but Brittany stopped listening after the mention of Caitlyn's name. She clenched her free hand into a fist and rudely cut off her girlfriend by saying, "I have to go. Breakfast is ready."

She hung up the phone before Santana could reply. There was nothing left of the good mood she had been in earlier. She sighed and rubbed a hand over her face. Why did Santana have to bring up Caitlyn?

Brittany's head felt like lead as the chaos returned. She could feel her throat constrict, the first signs of a crying fit, but she forced herself to stay strong.

"Was that Santana?" Her mom asked. Brittany nodded. "Are you two arguing?"

"Why?" Brittany asked, becoming more and more annoyed.

"The look on your face went from happy to sad." Linda replied.

"It's none of your business but if you really want to know, no Santana and I aren't arguing. Everything is fine between us. Now can I please just finish my breakfast?"

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed." Madison yawned as she shuffled into the kitchen.

"Stay out of it." Brittany snapped. She just wanted everybody to leave her alone.

"What is the matter with you?" Linda narrowed her eyes at her daughter.

"Nothing." Brittany mumbled.

"Just let her be." Peter joined the conversation. "She's just being a teenager."

"So? That doesn't mean that she can behave like a child." Linda argued.

An awkward silence fell over the room as they all continued to eat. The only one who continued to chat away was Charlie who was oblivious to everything.

Brittany ate a slice of bread with some apple jelly spread on top. She chewed slowly so that her parents wouldn't notice that she didn't have anything else. She downed the food with a cup of tea, knowing it had zero calories in it. The chaos in her mind slowly disappeared as she regained the control over herself.

After breakfast, Brittany quickly retreated to her room- wanting to disappear. She plopped down on her bed and pulled out her phone. She sent Santana a text with an apology. She knew that she had acted ridiculous before.

Luckily, Santana replied telling her that it was fine and if she wanted to come over. Brittany smiled and sighed in relief. She felt so lucky to have Santana in her life.

* * *

An entire week passed and before Brittany knew it, it was weekend again. That meant her break was almost over and she'd have to go back to reality soon. She woke up to her phone buzzing on the bedside table. She groaned and reached out for it. It turned out to be a text message from Santana with the question if she wanted to hang out with her and Quinn later. Brittany sat upright and quickly typed out a response to confirm the time.

She arranged her pillow against the wall and allowed herself to relax for a while. It was raining outside and she didn't really feel like getting up yet. Her parents and Charlie had already left to visit her grandparents earlier and Madison was probably staying at a friend's house as usual. This meant that there wasn't anyone to pay attention to her and she could eat whatever she wanted. Her diet had changed a lot during her one week break.

For breakfast she always had yogurt with two spoons of muesli that were leveled off. She skipped lunch most of the time but sometimes she ate a few crackers. For dinner she always had to eat whatever they were having. But tonight that wouldn't be the case because her parents had to go to some event for her mom's work.

She got out of bed and walked out of her room. She was only wearing her sleep shirt but she didn't care because there was no one there anyway. But just as she had almost reached the bathroom, Madison suddenly stumbled out of her room. Brittany's eyes widened and she quickly pulled her shirt further down her legs before practically running into the bathroom. Her heart was hammering in her chest and she could only hope that Madison hadn't seen her fat legs.

Thirty minutes later, Brittany found her sister in the kitchen with a plate of greasy eggs and bacon in front of her. Brittany scrunched her nose up in disgust. "How can you eat that so early in the morning without puking?" She asked while pulling out a pack of low-fat yogurt.

"I don't know." Madison shrugged. "Good morning to you too, by the way."

"Do you have any idea how many calories are in that?" Brittany continued. She had to stand on her toes to grab the muesli from the top shelf.

"So?"

"So? It'll only make you fat." Brittany replied. She poured the yogurt into a bowl, added the muesli and sat down in the chair across from Madison.

"Since when do you care about that stuff?" Madison asked. She narrowed her eyes at her younger sister. "Now that you mentioned it, have you lost weight?"

"Why?" Brittany asked, looking up from her bowl.

"It's just that you look a little… thin."

Brittany rolled her eyes. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, just don't take it too far. I don't want you to become one of those girls who starve themselves because they think they're too fat." Madison explained.

"Stop being so dramatic. I'm not like those girls. I don't think that I'm too fat." Brittany said defensively.

"I know one of those girls." Madison continued softly, ignoring Brittany's words. "She hardly ever eats. She's extremely skinny."

"That's stupid of her." Brittany said harshly. "Everyone knows that you can't go without eating." To make her words more believable, she quickly added a few spoons of muesli to her yogurt. "Yeah I gave up unhealthy snacks but that's it. Now can I eat my breakfast in silence or do you have a problem with that?"

"Go ahead." Madison simply said.

Brittany angrily finished her yogurt. Her diet was none of Madison's business. She would never be stupid enough to starve herself. She shook her head in disbelief and filled her bowl to the rim a second time. She looked at Madison. "I wouldn't be eating this if I thought that I was too fat."

"Whatever." Madison mumbled. She picked up the newspaper and began to read it.

To take things one step further, Brittany even prepared herself a sandwich after finishing her second bowl of yogurt. But as soon as she swallowed down the last bite, she regretted the decision. Madison hadn't even been paying attention to her. That meant that she ate a huge amount of food for nothing.

She felt gross.

Brittany couldn't stop the tears from falling. She angrily wiped them away and stood up. Without saying a word to Madison, she stormed out of the kitchen and up the stairs where she started to cry silently. She couldn't stop herself. Why had she let Madison's words get to her?

Now she had eaten way too much. She might have lost over 7 pounds but she probably regained 2 pounds because of this. Her palms were sweating and her stomach was upside down. Her thoughts kept going from the amount of weight she had lost to the amount of weight she had gained. She had to know for sure.

Her legs were shaking as she hurriedly made her way into her parents' bedroom. The scale had to be here somewhere. Not being able to think straight, she started to look everywhere. She looked under the bed, in the closet, under the dresser, but she couldn't find it. Her heart-rate sped up as panic took over. Where the hell was it?

Suddenly it hit her. She ran into her parents' bathroom and sighed in relief when she spotted the scale next to the bathtub. She carefully walked towards it. She hesitated. What if she had gained weight? She took a deep breath and nervously stepped on the scale. It took a while before the red digits appeared.

Brittany couldn't believe what she was seeing. From the 7 pounds she had lost there were only 6 pounds left. She stepped off the scale and waited a few seconds before stepping on it again. She looked down but the digits weren't lying. She had gained a pound. The fact that there were still 6 pounds left didn't matter. She had gained weight.

She jumped off the scale and walked back into her own room. Tears continued to freely roll down her cheeks as she undressed herself. She looked at herself in the mirror- pinching the fat on her thighs, her arms and her stomach. All she could see was a fat girl staring back at her. Was that her? How could she have been so happy not too long ago? How could she have been so stupid to believe that she could ever be as thin and beautiful as Caitlyn? Had she been blind?

Brittany felt disgusted with herself. With her body that seemed to become fatter by the minute. She wanted nothing more than to put her clothes back on but she forced herself to stay still. She had to memorize every part of herself. The image had to be burned into her mind so that she would never forget it. A fat teenager with a fat body.

She had been so stupid to think that eating a little less would make her skinny. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Brittany quickly changed into her work-out clothes. Going for a jog would probably make her feel better. She raced down the stairs and out the door. The wind was cold, chilling her to the bone, but she ignored it. She kept on running and running until the chaos in her head slowly disappeared. There was nothing to worry about. She just had to start eating a lot less and exercise a lot more. She could start cycling to school instead of taking the bus.

Brittany kept running until she couldn't feel her legs anymore. She reluctantly returned home where she texted Santana saying that she couldn't hang out today. She just wanted to be alone.

* * *

That night, Brittany went to bed without eating dinner. Her stomach was growling loudly. The hungry feeling was almost painful. She pressed her stomach into the mattress in hopes to push the feeling away but nothing worked.

After hours of tossing and turning, she couldn't stand it anymore and she got out of bed. She drank a glass of water. It helped for a little while but the empty feeling returned eventually. She briefly considered going downstairs to eat something but decided against it. It would be weak to give in now.

It was way past midnight when she finally fell asleep.

When she woke up the next morning, the first thing she registered was the growling sounds of her stomach. She couldn't help but smile. She had gotten through the day having only eaten breakfast. There was no denying that she was extremely hungry now but it was worth it. Everything would be better once she was skinny.


	4. Chapter 4

_Hi. Thanks for all the feedback, it is appreciated! I know that Quinn sorta comes off as a bitch sometimes but it's nescesarry for the story. Here's the next chapter, enjoy!_

* * *

**Chapter 4**

The added pound had scared Brittany so much that she had started paying even more attention to the things she ate. She had adjusted her 'good' and 'bad' lists. Her 'bad' list became longer and longer while more and more things were taken off her 'good' list. She had also started exercising more.

When Brittany weighed herself a week and a half ago it turned out that the added pound, and even a little extra, was gone but it wasn't enough. She was determined to reach her goal of losing 10 pounds. She wouldn't be happy until then.

Brittany threw the covers off herself and got out of bed. Her vision suddenly turned black and everything started to spin around her. She waited for a few seconds until the dizziness slowly subsided. She figured that she must've stood up too fast.

Maybe she should just eat something light, like a cracker or some fruit. That wouldn't hurt, right? She was a human being and human beings needed food to avoid dying. She didn't want to die. She just wanted to lose weight. Besides, she knew that there were almost no calories in crackers.

It wasn't until Brittany was seated at the kitchen table that she realized how hungry she was. She could hardly control herself and ate two sandwiches instead of the planned cracker. As soon as she had finished eating, guilt and regret set in. She felt weak for losing control over herself like that. Now there were two sandwiches with strawberry jam in her stomach. And that would make her fat.

After breakfast, her mom disappeared into her office with the announcement that she had work to do for the store. Everybody knew that meant she didn't want to be interrupted.

Brittany decided to get her bike from the shed. She sighed heavily when she saw that there were boxes piled up to the ceiling.

"Dad, where's my bike?" She called out, hoping that he could hear her.

"Your what?" She heard her dad ask a few seconds later.

"My bike." Brittany repeated.

"Why do want to have it?" Peter asked, frowning in confusion. "You haven't used it in years."

"I'm just sick of taking the bus to school." Brittany explained. "The distance is too long to walk so I thought I could take my bike." She kept her eyes glued to her feet. She hated having to lie to her father.

"Why can't Santana give you a ride?" Her dad asked. "She has a car, right?"

Brittany nodded. "Yeah but she lives on the other side of town so that would take up a lot of her time. She would have to wake up even earlier and you know how she gets grumpy in the morning."

"I'm sure she wouldn't mind-"

"Dad!" Brittany interrupted him. "Can you please just help me look for my bike?"

Peter nodded. "I think it's behind that pile of boxes." He said. Together they began to remove the pile of boxes and like Peter had already predicted, Brittany's bike was hidden behind it along with Charlie's.

"I'll get Charlie's bike from behind there too, you know how he always copies everything you do." Peter said with a smile.

"When will he be back?" Brittany asked.

"Who?" Her dad groaned. He was bent over a few boxes, trying to lift Brittany's bike.

"Charlie."

"I'll be picking him up later, do you want to come with me?"

Brittany bit her lip and thought this over for a few seconds. There was still a pile of homework waiting on her desk but that could wait until tonight. Santana was visiting her aunt who lived far away from Lima so Brittany didn't have any plans with her. She hadn't been spending that much time with Santana lately and it made her feel bad. Santana seemed to sense that there was something bothering her and avoiding the brunette was easier than having to lie to her.

Brittany shook her head, as if to clear it, and finally agreed. "Sure."

"There you go, honey." Peter said. His eyes flicked from the bike to Brittany. "Do you still know how to ride this thing?"

Brittany rolled her eyes. "Of course I do."

"I can't even remember the last time you touched this thing." Her dad chuckled. "This is a historical moment, let me get my camera."

"Dad." Brittany whined. Her dad didn't hear her, he was already making his way back inside the house. Brittany sighed and focused her attention on her bike. She quickly pumped up both tires, stepped on the pedals and rode down the driveway. She wanted to check if her bike was still in decent condition after standing still for so long.

She raced down the street and turned left. She moved her legs as fast as she could until she was breathing heavily. Drops of sweat formed on her brow but she didn't care. She could feel the burning of her muscles and the pounding of her heart. It felt nice.

Her endurance could use some improvement though. She was panting like an old lady when she parked her bike in the yard a little while later. She walked into the house and found her dad sitting on the couch watching a baseball match. He looked up. "Where were you?"

"I took my bike for a test ride." Brittany replied. "I'm going to take a shower."

* * *

The drive to her grandparents' house was silent. Brittany rested her forehead against the window and watched the cars that passed by. She was exhausted. Her earlier bike ride had drained her energy. She even felt a little dizzy.

"Are you okay?" Her dad asked, concern lacing his voice.

Brittany turned to look at him, her eyebrows scrunching together in confusion. "Yeah, I'm fine. Why?"

"You've been acting a little strange lately." Peter replied softly.

"What do you mean?" Brittany asked.

"I don't know." Peter shrugged. "You're just acting different than usual. More distant. As if there's something you're not happy with."

Brittany felt like she had been caught but she tried not to let it show. She looked down at her lap. She briefly considered telling her dad about the chaos in her mind. The feeling of panic that struck her out of nowhere, without a single warning. Maybe her dad knew how to make an end to it. But she said nothing. She hoped that her dad would let it go but he didn't.

"Is everything okay at school?"

Brittany nodded. "Everything is fine, dad. Stop worrying so much."

"I can't help it." Peter said with a smile. "It's my job to worry about you. You're my little girl."

Brittany swallowed the lump in her throat. "I promise that everything is fine. I've just been a little tired lately. We've been getting a lot of homework at school." She hesitantly lifted her head to look at her father. Peter sighed but didn't say anything. He focused his eyes on the road again and concentrated fully on driving.

A few minutes later, they reached their destination and Peter cut off the engine. He turned in his seat and patted his daughter's knee. "I just want you to know that I'm always here for you." He said before getting out of the car.

Brittany sighed and followed him. Her grandmother and Charlie were already waiting for them outside on the porch. Charlie smiled widely and waved at them. He ran up to his sister and leaped into her arms.

Brittany laughed. "Hey buddy, did you miss me or something?"

"Yeah." Charlie admitted shyly before planting a wet, sloppy kiss on Brittany's cheek. Brittany smiled and ruffled his hair. She put her little brother down on the ground and walked towards her grandmother.

"It's good to see you, dear." Her grandmother said as she pulled Brittany into a tight hug. She kissed Brittany's cheek before slowly releasing her from the embrace. She smiled brightly. "Let's go inside, your grandpa is waiting."

* * *

Brittany spent some time playing board games with Charlie while her dad chatted with her grandparents. Brittany used to stay over at her grandparent's house a lot when she was younger and she kind of missed it. Sometimes she wished she could relive those moments when she didn't have to worry about anything.

"Kids," Her grandfather's voice suddenly sounded. "I made soup, who wants some?"

"Me!" Charlie exclaimed excitedly. Brittany took a moment to think it over. She hadn't eaten anything besides the two sandwiches for breakfast and her body was screaming for food. She figured that there couldn't be that many calories in soup and told her grandfather that she wanted some as well.

They joined the rest in the kitchen and sat down at the table. Her grandfather poured the soup into bowls and handed each to everyone. Brittany stirred in her soup and counted the mini-meatballs that were in it. There were four. She waited until nobody was paying attention and gave them to Charlie. She motioned for him not to say anything and he just nodded happily.

"Who wants another bowl of soup?" Her grandmother asked after everyone had finished eating.

Everyone said yes expect for Brittany. Her eyes met her grandmother's and the woman looked at her intently. "Why not? It looks like you can use it."

Brittany felt all the color drain from her face and her mind instantly went in overdrive. Did her grandmother know about her diet? How was that possible? She didn't look that thin, did she? She had even put on a wide sweater out of precaution.

She shook it off and even managed to give her grandmother a small smile. "Okay."

Her mind screamed other things though. She shouldn't have agreed to this, not when she still had to eat dinner at home as well. How could she be so stupid? This was the second time today that she had lost control over herself.

Her grandmother just smiled, clearly pleased, and filled Brittany's bowl to the rim a second time.

* * *

Brittany was panting heavily when she arrived at school that Monday morning. She was really tired and her stomach was empty. She had skipped breakfast like she had been doing a lot more often over the past two- and a half weeks.

She was just locking up her bike when Santana walked up to her. She couldn't help but smile, it was still strange to see Brittany's new form of transportation. Santana had told Brittany that she could easily give her a ride but the blonde claimed that she could use the fresh air.

"Hi babe." Santana greeted her girlfriend carefully. Brittany had been very distant with her lately and she had no idea why. Every time she asked Brittany about it, the blonde would just shrug it off and pretend that everything was okay. Santana figured that she just needed time and that she would open up eventually.

Brittany took a step forwards when black dots suddenly blurred her vision. She dizzily swayed back and forth on the spot. She would've fallen over if it wasn't for Santana quickly wrapping an arm around her waist. The brunette's features twisted in concern. "Whoa, are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Brittany said, stepping away from Santana's embrace.

Santana watched Brittany intently but the girl was avoiding eye contact. She frowned and asked, "Did you have breakfast this morning?"

Brittany's head shot up in surprise. She bit her lip and momentarily considered telling Santana the truth, that she was starving because she hadn't eaten in a while out of fear of getting even fatter. The words were on the tip of her tongue but she couldn't get them out. Santana wouldn't understand.

"Why do you care?" She asked instead, her defense mechanism activating. The words came out a lot harsher than intended and Santana's eyes widened. Brittany sighed. "I'm sorry."

Santana nodded and gave her a small smile. "It's okay. I'm just really worried about you."

"Why?"

"You've been acting so different lately." Santana explained. "We hardly spend time together and you barely speak to me anymore." She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "You don't look healthy, Britt. You've lost weight."

"What makes you think that?" Brittany asked with shaking hands. She hated it when people spoke about her body in a caring manner.

"I can tell." Santana replied sadly. "I hardly ever see you eat anymore."

Brittany wanted to run away. She still felt a little dizzy and she couldn't deal with this right now. "It's none of your business." She snapped. "I do eat and if you really want to know, yes I had breakfast this morning. Can I go now?"

Without waiting for a response, she stormed off and headed inside the school building. She wanted to be away from Santana and all the questions that made her head spin. Slightly out of it, she walked into the bathroom and locked herself into a stall. She lifted her hands to massage her temples and tried to gather her thoughts. Maybe she should get some greasy food from the cafeteria and eat it in front of Santana to prove that…

No. She didn't have to prove anything to anyone. Not eating made her feel strong and she wasn't going to give that up. In fact, she was going to become even stronger. She would just have to start skipping lunch like she had already done during her one week break. Maybe she should just stay away from Santana at lunch break so that she wouldn't notice.

Brittany slowly stood up and walked out of the stall. She pulled her lunch box out of her bag and dumped the contents in the trashcan after making sure that there was no one there. She felt relieved when she walked out of the bathroom. She had gotten rid of her lunch. Of unwanted calories. Her stomach was growling but the feeling didn't bother her. It made her feel strong.

She walked through the halls with a smile on her face. It almost felt like she was floating when she reached the right classroom. She took a seat at her usual desk and noticed that Santana wasn't there yet. Her feeling of happiness instantly disappeared and was replaced with gut-wrenching guilt. She realized that Santana had only been worried about her but that was the problem, Santana didn't have to worry about her because she was doing great. She had everything under control.

Brittany impatiently drummed her fingers on the desk. Should she go look for Santana or should she just wait? She groaned inwardly. Why was is so hard to make a decision? Of course she had to go look for her.

She was just about to stand up when Santana walked into the room. She sat down next to Brittany, without saying a word, and focused her gaze on their history teacher. Brittany felt her heart clench in her chest when she noticed the redness in Santana's eyes. Had she been crying? Brittany carefully reached out to place her hand on Santana's arm but it was immediately shrugged off.

"San?" Brittany called out, as softly as possible because the teacher had already started his class. Santana ignored her and continued to listen to their teacher. Brittany bit her lip as the feeling of guilt inside of her became even stronger.

Class passed by agonizingly slow. The obvious tension between the couple made Brittany's stomach tie itself in knots. As soon as the bell rang, Santana gathered her things and rushed out of the classroom. Brittany was quick to follow her.

"San, please wait!" She pleaded the girl. "I'm sorry about before."

Santana stopped walking and waited until Brittany had reached her side before asking, "Will you please tell me what's going on with you?"

"I.. I don't know." Brittany stammered. Her head felt heavy, like it had been stuffed with cotton. She felt nauseous. She didn't know what do to anymore. She didn't know how to feel or how to act. Everything seemed to become more complicated by the minute. She felt a sobbing fit coming but she was able to hold it together. "I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you like that."

"Britt," Santana sighed sadly, her features softening. She took one of Brittany's hands in her own. "I'm not mad at you. I'm just asking you to talk to me."

Brittany looked down at her feet. "I'm fine, San. I promise. I'm just tired. We've been getting so much homework and it's a little overwhelming." She hesitantly lifted her head to meet her girlfriend's eyes. She was surprised by how easily the lie had come to her. Santana was looking at her intently but Brittany had no idea if she believed her or not.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Santana finally asked. She sighed again when Brittany shrugged in response. "You can always ask me for help, sweetie, you know that right?"

Brittany nodded, relieved that Santana had bought her explanation. "Is everything okay between us?"

"Of course." Santana replied, leaning in to peck the blonde's lips. She smiled and gave her hand a soft squeeze. "Let's go to class."

* * *

After class, they met up with Quinn at her locker. They'd been talking for a while when Brittany noticed Caitlyn and Kurt walking up to them. She clenched her jaw and tightened her grip on Santana's hand. She watched as the brunette began to chat with Quinn and Santana but it was impossible for her to listen with the chaos quickly returning to her mind.

When Caitlyn finally left, Quinn turned to look at Brittany and asked, "What is your problem with Caitlyn?"

"Huh?" Brittany blurted out, her eyes widening. She hadn't been expecting that question. "What are you talking about?"

"You fall silent every time she joins our conversation. Why is that?" Quinn asked.

"Quinn." Santana said warningly.

"She hasn't done anything to you." Quinn continued, completely ignoring Santana. "Are you jealous of her or something?"

The comment hit Brittany like a ton of bricks. Was it that obvious?

"Of course I'm not jealous." Brittany said, trying to keep her voice as steady as possible. She felt anything but calm though. Her palms were sweaty and her heart was racing in her chest. "There's nothing to be jealous of." She added to be more convincing. "Have you seen the slutty skirts that she wears?"

Anger flashed in Quinn's eyes. "You wouldn't even fit in those _slutty skirts_." She spat out, making air quotes with her fingers, before storming off.

Tears welled up in Brittany's eyes. Quinn's words had cut through her like a knife. Her cheeks turn red with embarrassment when she heard a few snickers around her. She could vaguely hear Santana's voice bark orders at the group of students and soon they had all left.

"Hey," Santana cooed, placing her hands on Brittany's shoulders to get her attention. "don't listen to her."

"Yeah, she's just in a bad mood." Kurt added. "I'm sure she didn't mean it."

Santana huffed angrily and turned to look at him. "That doesn't give her the right to treat Brittany like shit."

They continued to argue softly but Brittany zoned out. She stared blankly ahead. Her hands were cold and trembling uncontrollably. She stepped away from Santana and quickly wiped away the moisture that had gathered under her eyes.

The day wasn't even halfway over yet but she just wanted to go home. She wanted to be alone in her room where she could get her thoughts back in order. Without thinking twice, she slung her backpack over her shoulder and started to make her way towards the exit.

"Hey, where are you going?" Santana's voice stopped her. She turned around and her eyes met confused brown ones.

"Home." Brittany simply replied. "I'm not feeling well."

Santana's brow furrowed in concern. She took a few steps closer and placed a gentle hand on Brittany's forehead. "You don't feel warm." She mumbled.

Brittany shrugged and turned away from her. "I have a headache."

"Okay, let me drive you." Santana offered.

"I can't leave my bike here." Brittany replied quickly. She just wanted to be alone. "I'll call you later."

Without waiting for a response, she walked down the hall and out the door. She quickly unlocked her bike and stepped on it.

She pedaled as fast as she could. Her heavy backpack was starting to put a strain on her shoulders but she didn't care. Her mind was a whirlwind of emotions and she just wanted to forget about this horrible day.

After twenty minutes of intense pedaling, a thin layer of sweat coated her skin and she finally slowed down her pace. She was starting to feel calm again.

* * *

When Brittany got home, she dumped her bike in the yard and quickly made her way inside. The chaos in her mind had disappeared during her bike ride but she still felt very confused. She wished that this day could just be over already. She wanted nothing more than to curl up into a corner and hide from the world but she couldn't do that. She would have to back to school tomorrow where she would have to face Quinn.

Brittany walked into her bedroom with a heavy heart. She had to check herself in the mirror, even if it was just for a minute. She had to check how fat she was and if she had become even fatter.

After quickly undressing herself, she looked at the pale, naked body of the girl in the mirror with disgust. It felt like the body of a stranger had replaced her own. Her eyes scanned up and down the mirror, taking in every detail. The girl in the mirror seemed fatter than when she had stood here yesterday. Brittany squinted her eyes and looked closer.

No, the girl didn't _seem _fatter, she_ was_ fatter. There was no doubt about it. She slowly tore her eyes away from the mirror. She looked down at herself and placed a hand over her stomach. She pinched her fingers around whatever fat she could find and pulled at it. _You're disgusting_, her mind screamed at herself.

Brittany's breathing was irregular. She was almost panting. Of course she would never fit into Caitlyn's slutty skirts. She was way too fat for that. Quinn was right. Quinn was always right. Of course she had called her fat, of course she hated her and didn't want to be friends with her anymore. Of course she had argued with her. Of course nobody liked her.

These thoughts kept racing through Brittany's mind while she continued to stare at the reflection in the mirror. Her eyes darted around her body and she became fatter and fatter. She had to do something. She had to exercise more than she had already done today. The chaos in her mind had to disappear and the only way to do that was by eating even less.

Panic took over and she hurriedly got dressed before racing to the attic. Her mother's home trainer that she never used was there. Brittany carefully got on it and immediately began to move her legs. She started out slow but then fastened her pace. She concentrated fully on the action and tried to forget about everything else; her fight with Quinn, the fat on her body, the grinning face in the mirror. It all had to disappear. Or else she would never be perfect.

Tears were streaming down her face. Her stomach was growling loudly, which was a good sign. It meant that she had everything under control. She continued to move because that was all she could do. That was the only thing she was good at.

After an hour, it finally felt like she had done enough and she got off the home trainer. She was shaky and nauseous but that was a good things. She was hungry but she ignored the feeling. She wouldn't and couldn't give in to it. She had complete control over herself.

She walked into the bathroom with a satisfied smile on her face. She closed the door behind her and took off her clothes. The scale was standing in the corner and she felt drawn to it like a magnet. She carefully stepped on it. Her breathing sped up again. She was almost afraid to look down but the force was too strong.

She finally looked down and her eyes widened with delight. She had reached her goal of 10 pounds. This proved how strong she was. She hadn't given in to the temptation of food that had fat in it. Brittany felt herself grow more and more confident. She was good at this; keeping control over her body.

Brittany stared at the digits and doubt set in. She had lost 10 pounds but she was still nowhere near skinny. She looked down at her naked body. It was still covered in a layer of fat. The word 'fat' echoed in her mind. Her feeling of happiness instantly disappeared. If she would go back to eating normal, she would eventually regain all the weight that she had lost.

She ran her hands up and down her body, from her breasts to her stomach and to her hips. She paused there. She could feel her hipbones but only slightly. They were still covered in a layer of fat. It had to go. Now. The only way to accomplish that was by losing more weight. 5 more pounds. That number sounded right in her mind. If she would reach that goal, she would be able to feel her hipbones easily and she would be perfect. After that, she could quit her diet and go back to eating normally.

With that thought on her mind, Brittany stepped in to the shower and under the spray of warm water. All her stress and worries seemed to wash away with the water, leaving her relaxed and stress-free. She washed up and got out. She put her clothes back on and walked into her room where she face-planted on her bed. She was exhausted.

She grabbed her phone and saw that she had four missed calls from Santana. She sighed and quickly sent her a text telling her that she was fine. After that, she closed her eyes and immediately dozed off.

* * *

"Hey honey, how was your day?" Her dad asked her when she walked into the kitchen a little while later. Her mom was still at the store but she would probably be home later.

"I wasn't feeling that well so I went home early." Brittany answered him truthfully.

"Are you feverish?" He asked worriedly as he placed a bowl of baked potatoes on the table. Brittany's eyes widened. Did he even realize how many calories there were in those? As if she would eat that.

"I'm still not feeling that well." She mumbled quietly.

Robert laid a hand on her forehead. "You do feel a bit clammy but I don't think that you have a fever. So you can still have dinner with us."

"But…"

"No buts. You'll feel a lot better when you eat something." Her dad said firmly.

"But I really don't feel well." Brittany protested. Just the thought of eating the baked potatoes itself made her feel sick to her stomach.

"That's even more reason to eat something. You don't look good, Brittany. You're way too skinny." Robert replied. Brittany felt herself becoming dizzy so she quickly took a seat at the table.

"Skinny?"

Her dad raised his eyebrows and shot her a questioning look. "Don't you agree that you're a little too skinny?"

Brittany realized that she had to be alert right now. If she made one wrong comment, her dad would probably sit next to her with every meal to watch the food disappear into her mouth. She shrugged. "Maybe a little but I eat loads though. I just don't gain any weight."

Robert nodded thoughtfully. "Maybe you should pay a visit to the doctor. You might have a fast metabolism."

Brittany sighed in relief. He believed her. "No, dad. I'm fine. Do you want me to set the table?"

She didn't wait for a response and got to work. She even helped her dad cook. Anything to keep his attention off her body. She felt her phone buzz in her pocket. She pulled it out and saw that it was a text message from Quinn. Her stomach immediately twisted with nerves. Her finger hovered over the button for a few seconds before she finally opened the text, _I'm so sorry about before. I was in a bad mood. Please forgive me? Xx_

It felt like a weight had been lifted off Brittany's shoulders. No more fighting. She smiled and typed out a reply, _D__on't worry about it. _


	5. Chapter 5

_This chapter is kind of a filler (or not). The next one should be up soon. Thanks for reading! :)_

* * *

**Chapter 5**

To avoid any more fat surprises during dinner, Brittany had started to intervene more and more. That meant no more baked potatoes or meat dripping with sauce. She cooked healthy things with lots of vegetables and salads. Sometimes she tried to skip dinner altogether but most of the times her father wouldn't let her. Sometimes, when her parents weren't looking, she would hide the greasiest food in her sleeve to throw away later. Almost every night she helped clear the table because that was the easiest way to get rid of the food without her parents noticing. Her parents thought it was sweet and that made Brittany feel a little less guilty.

However, every night it became harder to be excused from the table without it ending up in an argument with her parents. Distracted, she would sit behind a plate with food, pushing it back and forth and taking tiny bites. Of course she noticed the worried looks that her parents gave her but she tried to ignore them. Somewhere deep down, Brittany knew that what she was doing was wrong but she didn't want to stop. She couldn't stop. She felt best with an empty, growling stomach. An empty stomach meant an empty mind. An empty mind meant no problems.

Every time Brittany ate something that was on her still growing 'bad' list, she felt weak and she would jog a few extra miles after school. Anything to keep the food out of her system, to get control over herself and over her body.

The days came and went. One evening, Brittany took a seat at her desk after dinner. Mindlessly, she grabbed her 'food bible' out of a drawer and started to flip through it. Over the last few weeks, she had written a lot it in. She had the amount of calories there were in each product memorized.

Brittany sighed. How long had she been dieting now? Three months? She still had barely lost any weight; only 10 pounds. It had been three weeks since she had made the decision to lose another 5 pounds and even though she had tried really hard, she had only lost 2 pounds since then. There had to be a way to make it go faster.

The reason why it was going so slow was probably because she was forced to have dinner every night. Wasn't there another solution? Were there people who were having the same problem as her? She wanted to know if there were girls experiencing the same thing as her. Girls who didn't want to be fat anymore, just like she didn't.

Suddenly an idea hit her; she could probably find it on the internet. She quickly grabbed her laptop and opened Google. It took some searching but after a while she found something, websites about girls who were in the same situation as her. With a huge smile and a racing heart, as though she was standing face-to-face with someone she loved, her eyes darted around the screen.

But what she was reading confused her. The girls called themselves 'pro-ana'. Brittany read that they had anorexia. She didn't understand. Wasn't that a disease? At least, that's what an article had once told her. But the girls acted as if it was a lifestyle. Brittany hesitated. She didn't have anorexia, did she? Of course she didn't. That was nonsense.

There were pictures of thin models on the website. Brittany looked at them with confusion, jealousy and disgust. Some girls looked really scary with bones sticking out everywhere. She wasn't like that and she never would be.

Surprised, she continued to scroll down the website. She had never realized that it was possible to become this thin. Part of her was horrified and told her that it was unhealthy but another part of her became more and more fascinated with the stories of girls who had managed to become so skinny. It was possible. All her doubts instantly disappeared. Finally there were girls who wanted the exact same thing as her.

Brittany read everything as if her life depended on it. Why were other people able to get so skinny when she wasn't? One thing became clear to her, she still had a long way to go. Yeah, she had decided to lose another 5 pounds but that was nothing compared to these girls. Some of them only weighed 110 pounds while they were the same height as her.

She read all their stories. Their experiences and tips to lose weight. Some tips were really good. She would've never thought of them herself. Drink lots of green tea. Don't eat rice or bananas because that causes constipation. Some girls apparently threw up their food. The thought grossed Brittany out. Especially because she hated vomiting. Only girls who were sick did that, right?

But the longer she thought about it, the better the idea sounded. She could eat without gaining any weight. Everybody, especially her parents, would see that she ate normally. They would finally stop worrying about her. Still, she decided to only throw up when she absolutely had no other option. Because not eating was always better than vomiting. You never knew how much food was left behind, calories that went straight to her thighs and stomach. Not eating gave her more certainty.

Brittany carefully wrote the best tips down in her 'food bible'. Satisfied, she scanned over the growing list of tips. For some reason, they made her even more determined to lose weight. She wanted to be like the girls on the website; skinny and beautiful.

Brittany's eyes landed on what was written at the bottom of the page. _Being skinny is more important than work, school, your friends, your family and your health. If you're not skinny, you're not attractive. If you're not attractive, you will fail in life. Others won't understand. They'll want you to go back to eating but remember, they're just jealous. _

Deep down, Brittany knew that this was wrong but she shook it off. This was the only way to lose weight. For some reason, the lines of text also strengthened her. And most importantly, she didn't feel so alone anymore.

* * *

The last week before the Holidays meant chaos at school. Everybody was unhappy with the amount of tests they had. Brittany didn't mind though. It just gave her an excuse to spend all her free time doing homework. Every time she concentrated fully on school, she forgot about food or her empty stomach. She almost never had lunch with her friends anymore. She always retreated into the library where she hid herself behind a book. She knew that it upset Santana but it was the only way to put her mind at ease.

At home she tried to exercise as much as possible, besides her daily runs. She climbed the stairs every now and then and walked around the house more. Sometimes she would attach her schoolbook to the home trainer so she could move while studying.

She also checked the website every day to see how the other girls were doing. They made her feel at home. She even chatted with them sometimes. She loved reading their stories and exchanging tips with each other. Everyone was so supportive. Brittany knew that her 'real' friends would never understand and on top of that, they probably didn't want to hear about food and losing weight all day.

Even though Brittany had read about girls throwing up their food, she still hadn't done that. Until now, she had managed to avoid dinner as much as possible with excuses. One night she would supposedly be having dinner at Santana's, the other night at Quinn's, the next night at Kurt's and so on. The truth was that she went for a jog or for a walk.

Tonight was a problem though. Brittany hadn't been able to come up with an excuse so she had been forced to make an appearance at the table. She carefully looked through the potatoes to find the smallest ones.

"Come on, Brittany. Just put some on your plate. We don't have all night." Her mom complained after a while.

Despite everything she had read on the website, Brittany felt a panic attack coming. She had to find the smallest potatoes because otherwise they would give her the big ones and that would result in her becoming fat again. One by one, she fished them out and put them on her plate.

Brittany couldn't fully relax though. She still had to put a sausage on her plate. A fat, greasy sausage. She had already picked out the one she wanted. The one that was closest to her mom was the smallest. She had to have that one. She had to. But her dad beat her to it. He pricked his fork into the sausage and put it on his place. _Her _sausage.

Her whole body began to tremble. Her palms began to sweat. What was she supposed to do now? Her dad had the smallest piece, the one that she had carefully studied and measured. Nervously, she stared at the remaining ones.

"Just pick one." Her dad finally said when he was starting to become annoyed. Brittany panicked and chose a random one. She eyed the grease that dropped off it with disgust. Her stomach churned. She couldn't eat this. She suddenly felt nauseous and dizzy.

Almost 15 minutes later, she was still pushing her food around her plate without eating it.

"Brittany, just eat your dinner. What is that with you lately?" Her mom asked.

"Nothing." Brittany mumbled nervously.

"In that case, just eat your dinner." Linda repeated. "You don't look good."

"Mind your own business! I'll eat what I want to eat." Brittany practically yelled. Her plan to stay calm had suddenly disappeared. She had lost all control over herself. Her parents were staring at her in shock but neither of them said anything.

Tension hung in the air and everyone had fallen silent. Even Charlie had stopped chatting. Every once in a while, Brittany heard her parents sigh heavily. She didn't understand why they made such a big deal out of a _stupid _sausage. She couldn't help but feel a little guilty though. It was because of her that the mood had been ruined.

"I'm finished." Brittany said, pushing her plate away. She hadn't even eaten half of it.

"No, you're not." Peter said, staring at his daughter's plate with sad eyes.

"But I'm not hungry." Brittany tried desperately. She was starting to panic again. If she had to eat everything that was still on her plate, she would eat God knows how many calories. With that, she would break the promise that she had made to the girls on the website. Brittany really didn't want to eat anymore but she could tell that her parents, especially her father, were being serious.

"You're not leaving this table until you've cleared your plate." Her dad said firmly. Brittany turned to look at her mother with pleading eyes but the older woman looked away. Brittany realized that she had no choice. Her whole body was protesting. Her stomach dropped, her throat constricted. What now? What should she do? The questions made her head pound.

She would gain weight. Everything would've been for nothing. She would be back at square one. Brittany wanted to cry. She wanted to scream and shout. But she was too afraid. She was afraid of her dad who was watching her intently. Not knowing what else to do, she picked up her fork when a comment from the website echoed in her mind; _If you really can't steer clear of food, go to the bathroom afterwards where you can throw it all up. _

That thought gave Brittany hope. She could breathe again. But was it really a good idea; throwing up? She looked down at here plate where the sausage, the vegetables and the potatoes were still staring at her. She had to do it. They were forcing her to throw up. If she didn't, she would gain weight again. So she had no other choice.

She sighed and began to cut her meat into tiny pieces. That had been one of the tips that she had read on the website. It would make throwing up easier. With her face scrunched up in disgust, she lifted her fork and put a piece in her mouth. She chewed very slowly before swallowing. With every bite she took, she could feel the fat go to her thighs, stomach and upper legs. She felt gross.

Her parents look relieved. "See, it seems like you were hungry after all." Peter commented with a smile. He was so happy that Brittany was allowed to leave her potatoes for what they were.

"Can I go now? I have a lot of homework." Brittany asked, forcing herself to return the smile.

"Sure."

Brittany immediately stood up and walked out of the room. She had to fight the urge to make a run for it. She wanted to get rid of all these unwanted calories. Now! They had to leave her body before they could do even more damage.

"Britt, wait." Her mom called out once she had reached the door. _No_, Brittany thought. _I don't want to wait. I have to go to the bathroom. Upstairs. Run and puke it all out. _She reluctantly turned around and looked at her mom.

"I'm glad you ate something. You'll see that you'll feel better soon." Linda smiled. Brittany didn't know how she did it, but she managed to smile back. And not only that. She walked back to her mom and kissed her cheek. She was barely able to avoid her mom's hand that wanted to rub her back. The thought of anyone touching her body freaked her out. Calmly, she walked out of the room. While the food was still in her body. While the food was slowly being digested. She made her way upstairs and into the bathroom where she locked the door behind her.

She stood in front of the toilet. Now was the time. She had an entire meal in her stomach. It had to go. Would she be able to do it? Put a finger down her throat and puke it all out? She rummaged through some cabinets until she found a hair tie. She quickly tied her hair back and knelt down in front of the bowl. Was she really going through with this?

Her aching stomach brought her back to reality. She listened to make sure that there was no one there before shoving a finger down her throat. Her throat tightened. She gagged. Saliva dripped down her lips and into the bowl. It wasn't working. She waited for a few moments. She took a deep breath and tried again.

She shoved two fingers down her throat this time. Her stomach clenched painfully. She gagged a few times and suddenly a wave of her dinner followed. It was working. The food was coming out. She felt her whole body contract. Her head felt heavy from exertion. But it was over. She had done it. She quickly flushed the toilet.

Brittany stood up, panting heavily. The whole bathroom was spinning around her. Her throat hurt. Black dots danced in her vision. She blindly reached out for the sink. She opened the tap and took some gulps of water to rinse her mouth. Her vision slowly returned back to normal. She scooped up some water in both hands and washed her face with it.

She slowly lifted her head and looked into the mirror. A pale face stared back at her. Brittany smiled and the reflection smiled back. She had really done it! The food was out of her body.

For a brief moment, she felt guilty because she had lied to her parents. But she shook it off. They shouldn't have forced her to eat. It was their fault that she had to throw it up. They hadn't given her another choice. She wondered how much she weighed. With shaking legs, she made her way into her parents' bedroom where she instantly spotted the scale in the corner. She stepped on it and smiled weakly. She hadn't gained any weight.

After that, she stumbled into her bedroom and collapsed on her bed. A bad taste lingering in her mouth.

* * *

The last week of school passed quickly. Brittany had gone straight home on Friday. She had a lot of things on her mind. The holidays and new year's eve were just around the corner. That meant lots and lots of food. Her mom always cooked meals that had enough calories for a year in it.

Her mood was becoming worse by the day. The cabinets in the kitchen were stuffed with treats and the refrigerator was exploding with food. Every day Brittany watched in disgust as the rest of her family put candy, sugar, fat, calories in their mouths without thinking twice. She stayed as far away from it all as possible. The more her parents and her siblings ate, the stronger she felt.

Brittany walked around in oversized sweaters all day. Mostly because she was always cold but also so that no one would notice the weight loss. That way, no one would pay attention to her.

Every morning, Brittany did abdominal crunches. Afterwards, she put a pillow in her chair at her desk. That was the only way she could sit down for a while without it hurting. She was just about to grab her laptop when she felt her phone buzz in her pocket. It turned out to be text from Santana, _Hi B, do you want to watch a movie later? X_

Brittany took a moment to think it over. There were too many things on her mind right now. She still had to figure out how to get through the day. What was she going to eat? Would she have a sandwich or an apple for lunch? What were the consequences? Or should she just eat a cracker? When would she eat it? Why would she even eat it? All these questions brought a lot of stress with them. She needed time to figure it all out. She wouldn't have that time if she watched a movie with Santana.

She texted Santana back, _I'm sorry but I can't. I promised my mom to help out in the store. It's extra busy because of Christmas coming up. _

Santana texted her back barely three seconds later, _Okay, I guess I'll talk to you later. _

Brittany sighed and let her phone drop from her hands. She knew that Santana was upset with her. It had been months since they had last been intimate. To be honest, she couldn't even remember the last time they had kissed. Brittany knew that they were growing apart and it was all because of her.


	6. Chapter 6

_Thanks for the reviews! Here's the next chapter. Enjoy! :)_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Glee._

* * *

**Chapter 6**

Brittany told her parents that she _was_ going to see movie with Santana. But instead of going over to Santana's house, she grabbed her bike and went for a long ride. She would have to be gone for at least a few hours to make sure that her parents didn't get suspicious.

It was freezing outside and pitch black. She had no idea where she was going. She wanted to go home but she couldn't just yet. Her fingers had become numb by now. She decided to go to a small coffee shop to warm up. She ordered a cup of tea and took a seat at a table in the corner. She looked around the place. There was nobody expect for an old man. Brittany suddenly felt really lonely. What the hell was she doing? She wanted to take a warm shower and go to bed. She didn't want to wander around town for another hour. She quickly drained her cup and stood up.

It was only a little past 9 when she got home. It was quiet. She slowly walked into the kitchen where she found a note on the table. Brittany's hands were still shaking from the cold as she unfolded it. Her eyes quickly scanned over her mother's messy handwriting. It turned out that her parents had decided to visit their grandparents for a few hours and Charlie had gone with them. Brittany couldn't help but laugh at herself.

* * *

Brittany weighed herself after taking a quick shower. Satisfied, she looked down at the digits. But suddenly they started to dance before her eyes. She blinked a couple of times. Had she gained weight after all? Her hands gripped the sink as her vision turned black. Her body was trembling uncontrollably and beads of sweat began to form on her brow. Suddenly, a wave of nausea overcame her. She squeezed her eyes shut.

"This isn't real." She chanted under her breath. "I didn't see it right."

She took a few deep breaths to make the dizziness go away. It worked. She slowly opened her eyes and looked down again. She sighed in relief. She had been mistaken. She hadn't gained weight. She lifted her head and looked into the mirror. Her face was as white as a sheet. There were dark circles under her dull blue eyes and her cheeks looked sunken.

She just stood there and studied herself for a few minutes, a towel wrapped around her waist. Despite the heating in the bathroom, Brittany was still cold. She walked back into her bedroom and grabbed a hairbrush. She sat down on the edge of her bed and began to brush her long, blonde hair. She frowned in confusion when a long strand of hair suddenly fell out, was it because of her diet?

Her thoughts were interrupted by a soft knock on the door. "Britt, it's me. Can I come in?" Her sister's voice sounded shortly after.

"Wait! Let me put on some clothes." Brittany replied, still only wrapped in a towel. She quickly grabbed some random clothes and put them on. "I'm done!"

Madison walked into her room and flopped down on her bed. Worry was etched on her face and Brittany was immediately alarmed. Her eyebrows pinched together in thought. It had been a while since she had last spoken to Madison. She usually wasn't at home and when she was, she was busy studying.

"Your bed is so comfy." Her sister smiled but Brittany could tell that it was fake. Her eyes didn't sparkle like they usually did. Her thoughts were confirmed when Madison let out a heavy sigh. "I don't really know where to begin."

Brittany's hands started to tremble. Madison sat upright and leaned against the wall. "I know that I've talked to you about this before but I'm going to do it again because I'm worried about you, Britt." Brittany's heart was racing in her chest as she waited for her sister to continue. A few seconds passed before she did. "You've lost weight."

"So what?" Brittany snapped. Her thoughts went to the paragraph on the website. Could it be that Madison was jealous of her? She found it hard to imagine.

"You're losing way _too much_ weight." Madison continued carefully. "That can't be healthy."

Brittany's defense mechanism immediately activated. "Since when are you an expert on health? Did you follow a course? Or are you just jealous because_ I_ am good at something for once."

Madison's jaw dropped in shock. "Jealous? Of what exactly?"

"You're too weak to lose weight. You have to be strong enough to resist the temptation of food." Brittany replied.

Madison was silent for a few seconds. She moved to sit on the edge of the bed and looked at her younger sister. "Are you even hearing yourself?"

Of course Brittany could hear herself, but she believed her own words.

"What have you eaten today?"

"That's none of your business." Brittany replied harshly. Why did everyone always have to bring up food?

"What about yesterday?"

Brittany rolled her eyes. "That's none of your business either. Are you done? If so, please leave my room. I want to go to sleep."

"You have to eat, Brittany." Madison ignored her. "You'll die if you don't."

"You know nothing about it." Brittany could see the concern in Madison's eyes. She cringed slightly. She didn't want to see her sister like this.

"Do you remember the girl I told you about last time? The one who hardly ever eats because she wants to lose weight?" Madison asked.

Brittany nodded. Of course she remembered. "Yeah but I'm not like her."

Madison went on, "She has an eating disorder called anorexia nervosa. Have you ever heard of it? It can kill you, Britt."

"Of course I've heard of it. What does that have to do with me?" Brittany asked in annoyance. Madison was being ridiculous. She didn't have anorexia. Yeah, some girls from the website might have it but not her.

"If you don't start eating again, Brittany, I will tell mom and dad about this." Madison threatened.

Brittany could tell that she was being serious. Her stubborn attitude changed drastically. She was beginning to panic. She couldn't let this happen. She would never get her parents off her back. They would watch her every move and never leave her alone again. A million thoughts raced through Brittany's mind. Madison couldn't tell her parents, no matter what.

"Maybe you're right." Brittany said in the sweetest voice. "Maybe I should just go back to eating normally. I can do that."

Madison visibly relaxed. "That's good, baby sis. I don't want you to die."

"Who says that I'm going to die? I'm not sick."

"I think that you are, Britt. The girl that I told you about has been lying in the hospital for months now."

This scared Brittany but she was certain that she was nothing like that girl. Of course she wasn't. She didn't have anorexia.

"I'll go back to eating normally, all right? Will you please not tell mom and dad about this? They'll just worry and that's not necessary. I'll start eating again. I promise." She told her sister softly.

Madison looked at her for a few seconds before nodding once. She stood up and walked towards Brittany. Brittany automatically took a step backwards. She really didn't want her sister to touch her.

"I promise." She said once more with a sweet smile. Luckily, Madison didn't say anything and left her room. Brittany could tell by her posture that she was relieved. If Madison wanted her to eat, she would. There was nothing difficult about it.

* * *

Still, Brittany avoided her sister as much as possible. Madison's threat to tell their parents weighed heavily on her shoulders. She had promised to go back to eating normally but just the idea itself caused her to panic. That's why she had decided to build it up. She told herself that she would start soon. For real.

She was forced to eat a lot more than she was comfortable with over Christmas. Madison watched her like a hawk. She was beyond happy when one of Madison's friends asked her if she wanted to rent an apartment with her. Madison agreed of course. The apartment still needed a lot of fixing and decorating. Madison and her friend spent almost all their free time doing exactly that and Brittany hardly ever saw her sister anymore.

Brittany kind of got the idea that Madison had forgotten about her with all the fuss going on. She was simply relieved about this. Now she could finally focus on other things again. She made up for the damage she had done over Christmas in the weeks before New Year's Eve. After every meal, she locked herself into the bathroom and puked it all out.

On the first day of the new year, Brittany reached her goal of 15 pounds. It felt great but she still wasn't satisfied. She decided to try to lose 5 more pounds. That way she would be able to eat anything without becoming fat again.

* * *

It was Friday. Brittany, Santana and Quinn had just found out that their class had been cancelled.

"We can have dinner together. That way we'll be able to watch more movies." Quinn suggested. Their movie night was supposed to take place at Santana's house tonight.

"I... I have to go home first." Brittany stammered. She wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and hide from the world for the rest of the day but she didn't want to bail again. Santana shot her a questioning look so she added, "My parents will be working late and I have to look after Charlie. I can't come over until like 7."

"You never have to watch Charlie on Fridays." Santana said, narrowing her eyes at her girlfriend. Brittany could tell that she was doubtful.

"It's only for one time. The neighbor that usually picks him up from school is sick." Brittany quickly made up. Every day it became easier to come up with excuses.

"Well, you can't leave your brother alone so I guess we'll see you tonight then." Quinn said. "But don't complain if you don't like the movies that we pick out."

Brittany gave her a small smile. "I'm happy as long as we don't have to watch the Notebook again." She was happy that she could go home for a few hours. She wanted to be alone so that she could clear her head. Besides, she really didn't feel like lounging on the couch all day. She wanted to do her daily exercises.

"Don't worry about that." Santana assured her. "There will be no romantic movies on the planning tonight."

"You guys suck." Quinn huffed in fake annoyance. They continued to chat but it didn't take long for Brittany to zone out. The never-ending battle in her head continued. Should she or Shouldn't she eat half an apple? Or should she only eat a quarter?

* * *

"I thought you were going over to Santana's house?" Her mom asked her when she came home later that day. She was sitting at the kitchen table with Charlie.

"Yeah but her parents don't want us to be there when they're not at home so we agreed to meet up a little later." Brittany replied, making up an excuse on the spot. "Hi, Charlie." She greeted her brother who was busy making a drawing.

"Will you have dinner at home then?" Her mom asked.

Brittany shook her head. "No, we'll be having dinner at Santana's."

"School was awesome today." Charlie said softly.

"Hang on, sweetie, you can tell me about it later." Brittany told him. Charlie's lips instantly formed into a cute pout. Normally, Brittany would've given in to it but not today.

"Don't you think it's strange that you're not allowed to come over unless her parents are there?" Linda asked. "You're all responsible enough to take care of yourselves."

Brittany shrugged. "You know that Santana's parents can be a little overprotective."

"I guess so." Her mom nodded thoughtfully. "Oh well, it doesn't really matter. Do you want a cup of tea?"

"Sure." Brittany replied as she took a seat next to Charlie. Her mom poured them all a cup of tea and set them down on the table along with the cookie jar. Brittany watched as her mom and Charlie a cookie. It made her feel strong because she wouldn't eat one. Absolutely not. Her stomach was rumbling almost painfully, but she was content with herself.

"I'm going upstairs." She announced after having taken two sips from her tea. She was too restless to hang around downstairs.

"But you promised that I could tell you about school." Charlie said, disappointed.

"Later, okay? I don't have time right now." Brittany told him impatiently. Charlie stared at her with sad eyes. Brittany felt guilty but she couldn't do anything about it. She wanted to go to her room. She had to think. She had to put her mind at ease.

"You can tell me instead, honey." Brittany heard her mom say to Charlie, but there was no response. Brittany knew that he was mad. She decided to do a hundred extra abdominal crunches to forget about the guilt she was feeling.

* * *

It was exactly 7 o 'clock when Brittany arrived at Santana's house. It had taken her a lot of effort to even show up at all. If it had been up to her, she would've stayed home where she could do some more exercising on the home trainer. But she was here now and that was all that mattered.

Santana's mom answered the door and greeted her enthusiastically. "They're in the living room. I think they're about to start the movie."

Brittany thanked her politely and walked into the living room where Santana and Quinn were sitting on the couch. Santana looked up and gave her a smile. "There you are."

"How did it go with Charlie?" Quinn asked.

"He's pretty cute, when he's asleep." Brittany joked as she plopped down on the couch next to Santana.

"That's my spot." A voice suddenly said. Brittany slowly looked up and of course; Caitlyn was standing in the doorway. She was dressed in a tight pair of jeans and a black t-shirt. Her hair was tied back into a ponytail. She looked amazing. As always.

"Caitlyn, what are you doing here?" Brittany blurted out without thinking.

"So much for being friendly." Quinn mumbled.

"Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I'm just surprised to see you." Brittany replied as coolly as possible. She could tell that her voice was shaking though. What was Caitlyn doing here? This was supposed to be _their _movie night.

"Quinn invited me." Caitlyn explained as she walked towards the couch. Brittany was just about to make room for her but she stopped her. "No, no, stay. Santana is your girlfriend anyway You obviously want to sit next to her."

The sweetness of her voice made Brittany want to puke. Her whole body was trembling. Not just because she was cold as usual, but also because she was angry. Extremely angry. She couldn't believe that Quinn had invited Caitlyn. Out of all people.

"Hey, you're not the only one here. Give me the popcorn." Quinn complained after the bowl had been in Santana's hands for almost 5 minutes.

Santana rolled her eyes and handed it to her. Brittany watched in disgust. A few months ago, she would've grabbed a handful of popcorn without thinking twice but she knew better now. Greasy popcorn was nothing but a calorie bomb. She briefly considered eating some of it to avoid raising suspicion but her stomach protested. She glanced around the room to make sure that no one was paying attention to her before handing the bowl to Caitlyn without taking anything.

Brittany had a hard time focusing on the movie. The popcorn kept creeping through her mind. Her stomach was growling like crazy but she couldn't give in. Not now. She hadn't reached her goal yet. If she would eat some popcorn to still the hunger, she would lose all control just when things were going great. She hadn't eaten a complete meal in days, why would she ruin that now? With fat, greasy popcorn out of all things. Her body was screaming for food though. Just a few? No! One piece then? No! That would make her weak. Stupid and weak.

To distract herself, she looked at Caitlyn from the corner of her eye. Much to Brittany's delight, the girl scooped up a handful of popcorn and started eating them. Every single one of them. Good, Brittany thought to herself, eat them all. Let the fat travel down to your stomach and thighs. She leaned back against the couch with a satisfied smile on her face.

* * *

"That movie was awesome." She heard Quinn say a while later as the credits rolled down the screen. "What did you think, Britt?"

Brittany blinked a few times. "Uh.. yeah.. I guess."

Just at that moment, Santana's mom walked into the room. "Everything alright ladies?" She asked. Everyone nodded. "Would some of my famous snacks make you happy?" Everyone nodded again, including Brittany, but as soon as Santana's mom had disappeared from the room, Brittany said that she had to go home.

"What? You're not staying over?" Santana asked, surprised.

"I… I promised my parents that I'll drop Charlie off at my grandparents' house early tomorrow morning." Brittany lied.

"Since when do you have to look after Charlie so often?"

Brittany shrugged. "I don't mind."

"Jeez, aren't you allowed to watch a movie with your friends _once_ a month?" Quinn asked with a frown.

"I just did, didn't I? The only difference is that I have to go home tonight instead of tomorrow morning." Brittany told her harshly. Why were they interrogating her?

"Can't you go home after my mom's snacks?" Santana asked her softly.

"I already ate so much before I came here. I'm still stuffed." Brittany said, rubbing a hand over her stomach to emphasize her words. Just the thought of eating all those fat snacks made her sick.

"Are you sure?" Santana asked. The sadness in her eyes broke Brittany's heart but she still nodded in response.

"I'll make it up next time."

"You better, Pierce." Quinn told her playfully. She stood up to start another movie while Santana walked Brittany to the door.

"You're not leaving because of Caitlyn, right?" She asked her girlfriend hesitantly.

"Huh? No, of course not." Brittany said, trying to sound as convincing as possible. Santana tilted her head and narrowed her eyes. Brittany could tell that she wasn't convinced so she quickly changed the subject. "Do you want to hang out later this week?"

Santana's face lit up. "Yeah, sure. It's been a while. You've been so far away."

Brittany lowered her gaze to the floor and decided to ignore that last comment. She didn't know what to say. "I have to go. I'll text you later."

Santana nodded and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Please take care of yourself."

Brittany quickly turned around and made her way outside. She heard the door close behind her and she sighed in relief. It was only then that she noticed how cold it was, not unusual for mid-January. Shivering, she wrapped her scarf around her neck and put on her gloves. She stepped on her bike and raced home.

"Hey, I thought you were staying the night at Santana's?" Her dad asked when Brittany walked into the living room. Her mom had fallen asleep on the couch and her dad was sitting in the armchair.

Brittany shrugged. "Her mom didn't think it was such a good idea."

"What?" Peter exclaimed. "Couldn't she have thought of that beforehand?"

"I don't know." Brittany mumbled. "So, what are you watching?"

"Some action movie with George Clooney." Her dad replied. Brittany took off her coat and sat down in the other armchair. Despite the warmth in the living room, Brittany was still cold so she wrapped a blanket around her shoulders.

* * *

"Good movie." Her dad commented once it had ended. "A little predictable but definitely entertaining."

Brittany simply nodded. She didn't have the slightest idea about what happened in the movie. She only remembered what everyone had eaten.


	7. Chapter 7

_This chapter is a litte shorter, sorry. _

_Disclaimer: I still don't own Glee. _

* * *

**Chapter 7  
**  
Brittany was making her way to the library early February when Santana suddenly stopped her. She looked up and instantly noticed the sadness in her girlfriend's eyes. Brittany hesitated for a moment. Lunch break was almost over and she really needed the time to figure out what to eat and when to do it. But Santana obviously needed her right now.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

Santana sniffled and looked down at her feet. "It's my parents."

"What about them?" Brittany could tell that Santana was about to burst into tears again but she really didn't have time for that right now. She still had to decide whether she was going to eat half a fruit bar or just a quarter. She asked Santana again, impatiently. "What is it?"

Just at that moment, Quinn, Kurt and Caitlyn joined them. "What's going on?" Quinn wanted to know.

Brittany shrugged. "I don't know. Something about her parents."

Before Brittany could register what was going on, Caitlyn put an arm around Santana who buried her face in the brunette's shoulder and instantly began to cry quietly. The sight made Brittany's stomach twist in the most unpleasant way. Deep down, she knew that she was the one who was supposed to be comforting Santana but she couldn't. There were only ten minutes left before the lunch break was over and she still had to decide how much she was going to eat. She was beginning to panic. She nervously shifted from foot to foot as her heart-rate sped up.

"Hey, what's wrong?" She heard Caitlyn ask Santana in a soothing voice.

"M-my p-parents…" Santana hiccupped.

Brittany was breathing heavily. There were only eight minutes left. Half a fruit bar or just a quarter? Her head was spinning as she contemplated the pros and cons.

"Shh, take a deep breath and just tell us what happened." Caitlyn said calmly. Everybody was trying to get Santana to calm down expect for Brittany who watched them from a distant. She didn't know how to deal with this situation. There were only seven minutes. Half a fruit bar or just a quarter?

"T-they're s-separating. Maybe f-for good." Santana finally said. She lifted her head and instantly looked at Brittany. Not at Caitlyn, Quinn or Kurt, but at Brittany. "They told me this morning."

"Oh," Was the only thing that Brittany could get out. She didn't know what else to say. Why couldn't she just decide what she wanted to eat? Why did it have to be so damn difficult? Santana's face crumbled as a fresh wave of tears came.

"Brittany!" Quinn hissed.

Brittany didn't know what to do. She wanted to comfort Santana. She wanted to come up with something to make her smile again but her mind was filled with decisions that she still had to make. Her head was pounding. Her heart was beating heavily against her ribs. She felt cold and warm at the same time.

"Why are you just standing there? Santana is your girlfriend, damn it!" Quinn's eyes were filled with anger.

"I.. but.. I… I have to go." Brittany stammered. There were only four minutes left and she still hadn't made a decision.

"Of course, go. Go and hide in the library like you always do. Don't mind us!" Quinn yelled after Brittany's retreating form.

Brittany walked away. Away from her girlfriend and her friends. Away from Santana's pain. She still had to decide what she was going to eat but there were only two minutes left. That was not enough time. She could make up her mind later. In the next lunch break. There was nothing to worry about. Her panic slowly disappeared. She sighed in relief and started to make her way to English class.

She took a seat at her usual desk, the seat next to her was still empty. After a few minutes, Santana and Caitlyn walked into the classroom. Expecting Santana to walk in her direction, Brittany was surprised when she walked to the back and took a seat next to Caitlyn. A sad feeling washed over Brittany. She knew that she was losing Santana.

"I marked your tests and I have to admit that I'm disappointed." Their teacher, Mrs. Connelly, said. "The results aren't good. The only one who got a hundred percent score, is Brittany. An example you should all follow."

Brittany was startled when she heard her name but Mrs. Connelly's words barely registered.

"Of course she got the highest score." Brittany heard the girl behind her whisper. "She practically lives in the library. She has no life."

The girl's friend wanted to reply but Mrs. Connelly silenced them. "All right, that's enough ladies. Open your books on page 55 and write down the following…"

Brittany instantly began to scribble away, furiously. That was the only way to make the battle in her mind disappear into the background for a while.

* * *

Brittany was happy when class was finally over. She had a free period now so that would give her enough time to think about the fruit bar. Tboughts about food clouded her mind and it was slowly driving her crazy. Along with the feeling of hunger that was there day and night. She was always hungry. But she couldn't give in to it. That would make her weak.

She had to go to the bathroom first. Ever since she had started eating so little, she had to go to the bathroom almost every hour because of the amount of water she drank instead. She had just locked herself into a stall when two girls walked inside. It were Santana and Quinn. Brittany instantly recognized their voices.

"Let me check if we're alone." Santana said. Brittany quickly pulled her legs up. They didn't have to know that she was there. "The coast is clear."

"Are you sure that Britt went to the library?" Quinn asked. Brittany perked up when she heard her name. Did they come here just to gossip about her? So much for being friends.

"Of course she did. Where else could she have gone to?" Santana replied quietly.

"Yeah, you're right." Quinn sighed. "So what's the reason for this secret emergency meeting?"

Brittany's brow furrowed. An emergency meeting? About her?

"I'm just really worried about Britt." Santana began, the tone of her voice matching her words. "She has been really distant with me lately. With all of us for that matter."

"I know." Quinn replied sadly. "This morning when you told her about your parents, she didn't even say anything. It was almost like she didn't care."

Brittany held her breath. Of course she cared. She just didn't know how to deal with the situation.

"That's not what matters right now, Q. It's about the fact that she has hardly been eating." It felt like Brittany's heart stopped beating for a second. "Tell me, when is the last time you've seen her eat lunch?"

"I… I don't remember." Quinn admitted. "But she never has lunch with us anymore. Maybe she eats when we're not looking? In the library, for example?"

"Come on, Quinn. Open your eyes. Have you seen how skinny she has gotten?" Santana asked. "Her arms are like twigs! She won't even let me touch her anymore." She was silent for a second before quietly adding, "Do you think she might have anorexia?"

The room was dead silent after that. Brittany was afraid that they would hear her heartbeat because her heart was suddenly pounding abnormally loud. Anorexia. There was that word again. Madison had also mentioned it. But for Christ's sake, she did _not_ have anorexia.

"If she hardly ever eats and keeps losing weight, then it's a real possibly." Quinn responded after a while. "But if that's really the case, she won't accept anyone's help. Not even ours."

"But there has to be something that we can do!" Brittany could hear the desperation in Santana's voice. "We can't just watch from a distance as she starves herself to death!"

Brittany swallowed thickly. Why did Santana have to exaggerate like that? She had already eaten half an apple for breakfast and now she was even thinking about eating half a fruit bar. That could hardly be considered as starving yourself.

"That's not what I'm saying." Quinn said calmly. "I'm just saying that it'll be hard to get through to her."

"Shouldn't we at least try to talk to her?" Santana suggested.

"And tell her what? That we're worried? That she should really eat a sandwich? Trust me, Santana, she won't listen to us. She thinks that she's too fat."

"Too fat?" Santana asked in disbelief. "But she's as thin as a stick!"

"That's the problem. She doesn't see herself like that." Quinn explained. "Don't get me wrong, there's nothing that I want to do more than help Brittany but we have to be realistic. Maybe it's a good idea to go to her parents. They can help her better than we can."

Brittany's eyes widened in shock. That would be a disaster.

"I don't know, Quinn. I think we should try talking to her first. We can always go to her parents later." Santana said. Brittany sighed in relief.

"Okay, how about…" Quinn trailed off. "Shit, there's someone coming."

A moment later, Brittany heard the door open and close. They had left. A group of loud girls entered the bathroom but Brittany was too shocked to move. She wanted to think about what Santana and Quinn had talked about but she couldn't. It felt like her brain had been replaced by an overcooked pudding that kept her from thinking clearly. For a while, she just sat there staring absentmindedly ahead.

It wasn't until the group of girls had left that Brittany forced herself to move. She flushed the toilet on autopilot and watched the water swirl around it. She counted to ten before leaving the stall. She walked to the sink and let the cold water wash over her hands and wrists until the first bell rang. The fog in her mind slowly disappeared. She could think again. She just had to make sure that Santana and Quinn would see her eat something in the upcoming days.

* * *

Brittany was really planning on eating something in front of her friend's eyes to make them stop worrying about her but she just couldn't do it. And besides, what was it of their concern anyway? The longer she thought about it, the more she realized that she didn't want to eat anything and especially not in front of them.

Wednesday passed without a conversation and on Thursday they didn't approach her either. It was Friday now and Brittany was beyond glad that the weekend was there. She went for a jog as soon as she got home. She wanted to run off the stress from this week.

A layer of sweat coated Brittany's skin when she returned. She felt so warm that she decided to take off her sweater. Just for a moment because she knew that it wouldn't take long for her to feel cold again. Dressed in a tank top, she walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water. She had just taken a sip when the doorbell rang.

Brittany figured that it was just her neighbor bringing Charlie home from school. She ran to the door and opened it. Her eyes widened when she came face to face with Santana, Quinn and Kurt. She groaned inwardly. She really wasn't in the mood for this.

"Oh my God, Britt." Santana whispered, her eyes raking over Brittany's torso.

Brittany ignored her. "What are you guys doing here?"

"We want to talk to you." Santana replied softly.

"Oh, okay. Come in, I guess." Brittany said hesitantly. A few minutes later they were all seated at the kitchen table.

"Brittany, we're all worried about you." Quinn finally broke the silence.

"Oh," Brittany tried to sound nonchalant, even though her heart was racing in her chest. She was beginning to get cold. Where did she leave her sweater?

Kurt cleared his throat. "I can count your ribs from here."

"That's not true." Brittany defended herself. She wished that they would all stop staring at her. Her face was bright red. "What are you talking about?"

"How much weight have you lost?"

Brittany took a moment to think this over. She came to the conclusion that it would be a bad idea to tell them that she didn't know. "Maybe a few pounds. Why?" She could tell that they hadn't been expecting that answer. She barely managed to suppress a smile.

"Look, Britt. I think, no, we _all_ think… that you have anorexia." Quinn said.

Even though Brittany had seen this coming, something snapped inside of her. "Why are you all sticking your nose in my business? Anorexia? Me? You wish! Have you seen how fat my legs are?" She yelled angrily, pinching the skin on her upper legs to prove her point. She didn't care about the shocked reactions she received.

"Can't you see that you're skin and bones?" Kurt asked softly.

Santana placed a hand over her mouth in disbelief. "You're sick, Brittany." She mumbled, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. Brittany was feeling miserable at this point. Why couldn't they see how fat she was?

"Can't you see that I'm fat?" She whispered helplessly.

A deafening silence fell over the room.

"You're _not_ fat, Brittany." Santana said after a while, her voice barely above a whisper. "You just _think_ that you are."

"You can't just stop eating. You're a human being. You need food or you'll… you'll die!" Kurt almost yelled the last part.

Brittany was trembling. She was freezing. Chilled to the bone.

"Sweetheart, he's right." Santana was crying by now, tears rolling down her cheeks. "You have to start eating again."

"I am eating! What do you _want_ from me?" Brittany yelled back. It was impossible to be nice.

"You'll die if you don't eat. You know that, right?" Kurt tried again.

Brittany slumped further in her seat. "Just leave me alone."

"I miss you so much, Britt." Santana said softly. "We all miss you."

"We just want to help you." Quinn added. "We're your best friends."

"Real friends would leave me alone."

"Is that really what you want?" Santana asked.

"Yes!" Brittany yelled in desperation. Once again, silence fell over the room. Brittany jumped slightly when the doorbell suddenly rang. It had to be Charlie. She sighed in relief and stood up to open the door. Charlie entered the house, happily chatting away. Brittany thanked the neighbor and was just about to close the door when her friends appeared behind her.

"We're leaving but this conversation is far from over." Santana said, her eyes bloodshot. She placed her hand on Brittany's shoulder and gave it a soft squeeze. Brittany watched as they walked out the door before sighing heavily and closing the door. She spotted her sweater on the coat-rack and immediately put it on. The conversation had gone horrible. Now they were probably going to contact her parents!

She walked into the kitchen and quickly poured Charlie a glass of lemonade before rushing upstairs. She wanted to see if Kurt had been right and you could really count her ribs. She hurriedly undressed herself and stepped in front of the mirror.

Brittany could see her ribs. She smiled proudly and ran her hand over them. She could see them and feel them. Her hand traveled further down, to her hips. Even before she looked in the mirror, she could feel two protruding bones. Wow, she thought to herself.

Still, she didn't think that she was thin enough. The only thing that she could see was the same fat girl from before. The fat girl that never seemed to get skinnier. Brittany took a closer look at herself. She hated the girl in the mirror. She hated her friends for what they had said to her. They didn't know what they were talking about.

Brittany's head was pounding when she returned to the kitchen. They were just jealous of her. That had to be it. They just wanted to lose as much weight as she had lost but they would never be able to do that. They weren't strong enough. They wouldn't last a day. That thought made Brittany feel good. She could only hope that they wouldn't go to her parents.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Brittany was very cautious after the conversation. She was always the one to answer the doorbell to make sure that her so-called protective friends wouldn't get the chance to directly speak with her parents. At school, Brittany avoided the group as much as possible. She didn't want to deal with the worried glances they kept shooting her, or with their small talk at lunch break. Did they really think that Brittany didn't know what they were doing? They only wanted to keep tabs on how much she ate. Real friends wouldn't do that. Real friends would leave her alone.

As the weeks passed, the conversation with Santana, Quinn and Kurt slowly faded into the background. Brittany had something else to worry about; her dad's birthday party. Her mom would probably order a huge chocolate cake like every year, her dad would cook a huge meal and her grandparents would visit. There was no way around it.

Brittany contacted one of the girls from the website to ask for advice. She didn't want to ruin her dad's birthday and not eating would do exactly that.

"Come on Brittany, you can do this." The girl told her. "Don't care about what others thinks. If they're choosing to be fat then that's their problem, not yours. Eat nothing. And if you do eat something, puke it out right after. Remember, only skinny people count."

With those words in mind, Brittany made her way downstairs and into the living room where her grandparents, her parents and Charlie had already gathered. Madison would come over later that evening. It had been a month and a half since she moved out. Ever since their talk in Brittany's room, she hadn't brought up the matter again. But then again, Brittany always purposely ate something in front of Madison whenever she was home. She could tell by her sister's reaction that she believed her. However, Brittany had decided to put on extra thick clothing just in case. She didn't want to risk Madison seeing….

"Earth to Brittany." Her mom's voice snapped Brittany back to reality. "What's on your mind?"

"I was just thinking about something." Brittany said quickly. "What were you saying?"

"I was just wondering why you couldn't have put on something with a little more color." Linda explained, tilting her head in thought as her eyes scanned over her daughter's outfit.

"What's wrong with what I'm wearing?" Brittany asked, irritated. Why couldn't she wear a sweater on her dad's birthday?

"Nothing, but usually you dress up a little more on birthdays."

"Well, I think I look fine." Brittany said defensively. She angrily turned away from her mom to greet her grandmother. She gave the woman a kiss on the cheek and was barely able to avoid a hug.

"My dear, you don't look well. Have you been eating?" Her grandmother asked.

"I eat plenty." Brittany replied, her anger growing. Why did everyone always have to bring up food? She noticed the questioning look that her grandmother threw at her parents and groaned inwardly, this was going to be a long day. Brittany greeted her grandfather and took a seat on the couch. The table was filled with snacks and Brittany forced herself to eat one potato chip to avoid raising suspicion.

It felt like hours had passed when it was finally time for dinner. The kitchen table was also filled with food. Fat, greasy food. Brittany noticed it straight away but she told herself to stay calm. With a fake smile plastered on her face, she ate until it felt like she was going to burst. But she forced herself to keep eating, to smile and to chat with everyone. In the end, she actually had a pretty good time.

As soon as everyone was finished eating, Brittany asked if she could watch a movie with Charlie. Her parents approved so Charlie ran into the living room, cheering loudly. Brittany followed him and turned on the television. She handed the remote control to her little brother and told him that she had to go to the bathroom and that he could pick out a movie.

Brittany quickly made her way upstairs and locked herself into the bathroom. She had probably gained weight with the amount of food she had eaten. Two pounds, at least. She knelt down in front of the toilet and expertly shoved two fingers down her throat. After she had finished throwing up, she flushed the toilet and used some bleach and the toilet brush to clean up after herself. She slowly stood up and washed her hands, applying the soap twice. She then rinsed her mouth with some water and walked towards the door. She was kind of looking forward to watching a movie with Charlie.

But when she opened the bathroom door, her heart dropped to her stomach. Her father was standing there. Brittany wanted to disappear. A million questions ran through her mind. Why wasn't he downstairs in the kitchen with the rest? What was he doing here? Was he checking up on her? Spying on her? She didn't know what to do. Her legs started to shake. Her dad looked angry and concerned at the same time.

"Brittany, downstairs! Now!" He barked at her. Brittany knew that there was no way out of this. She had to hold on to both handrails on the stairs to keep herself from tumbling down. Her heart was pounding in her chest.

"Britty, the movie has started!" Charlie called out from the living room. Oh how Brittany wished that she was there right now, comfortably sitting on the couch. She wanted to answer him but the words caught in her throat. She turned to look at her father with pleading eyes.

"Charlie, Brittany's not coming. Mommy and daddy have to talk to her but grandpa will watch it with you." And with that, Brittany really had no way out. She was told to go into the kitchen, whether she wanted to or not.

As soon as she walked through the door, silence fell over the room. Everybody looked at her worriedly. It even seemed like her mom had been crying. Brittany took a deep breath and reluctantly took a seat.

"I'll go join Charlie." Her grandfather said. He stood up and squeezed Brittany's shoulder encouragingly as he walked passed her. After that, Brittany was alone with her parents and her grandmother.

"Brittany, how can you do this?" Her dad began. His voice sounded sad and angry at the same time.

Brittany didn't know what to say. She kept her eyes focused on the table. "I wasn't feeling well." She tried to defend herself, even though she knew that nobody would believe her.

"Honey, we've spoken with Santana." Her mom simply replied. Brittany's head shot up. How could Santana do that to her? She would never forgive her for that.

"How long has this been going on? How long have you been throwing up your food?" Peter wanted to know. Brittany cringed slightly at the words 'throwing up'. It suddenly sounded so much worse hearing it out loud. She shrugged and looked down again. She hated seeing the shocked look on her grandmother's face.

"How much weight have you lost?" Her mom asked softly. Brittany shrugged again. She was definitely not going to tell them. Deep down, she knew that she didn't weigh enough and that it wasn't healthy. A small voice in her head told her exactly that but as soon she heard it, she silenced it.

"Who do you think you are?" Her dad yelled. Brittany could tell that he was frustrated but also scared and angry. Her mom sighed and stood up to close the kitchen door. Charlie didn't have to hear any of this.

"Do you have any idea how expensive food is? I have to work hard every day to support my family!" Peter continued.

Linda gently shushed her husband. "Yelling won't solve anything."

"But this can't go on! Look at how skinny she is!" Her dad cried out. Brittany had never seen him cry before. She shrunk further into herself. She wanted nothing more than to disappear without having to hear how upset her dad was or how her mom was trying to get him to calm down and try to understand his daughter.

"How can such a bright kid with nothing but good grades be so stupid?" Peter sniffled.

"I think that Brittany feels unhappy." Her grandmother suddenly spoke up.

"Is that right? Are you feeling unhappy?" Her dad asked. Brittany gave him a small, barely visible nod in response. He sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. "I don't get it. You can't just stop eating because you're unhappy. What is that for nonsense?"

"Sometimes it works that way, honey." Linda replied quietly. "Some people find comfort in food and some people, like Brittany, do the exact opposite and stop eating."

"And you approve of that?" Peter asked, his voice cracking.

"Absolutely not. But there's no point in blaming Brittany for something that she doesn't even understand herself."

"Oh she doesn't understand? She's the one doing it, isn't she? She's the one who stopped eating, isn't she? What is there to understand?" Peter shook his head in disbelief and looked at his daughter with sad eyes.

Brittany was feeling miserable. She wanted to cry, throw it all out and tell them everything but she couldn't. She couldn't find the right words. How was she supposed to tell her parents that she hadn't been feeling like herself for months now? That she felt lost at school, that she was scared of growing up, that she felt threatened by Caitlyn because her self-esteem seemed to become less by the minute? That there was this constant darkness clouding her mind? That the only way to feel in control of her life was by not eating? Brittany couldn't tell her parents all that. They would never understand.

Her grandmother suddenly wrapped an arm around her shoulders and Brittany couldn't stop a few tears from escaping. "It's okay, cry. Just let it all out." Her grandmother whispered as she gently rubbed Brittany's back.

"What are we going to do?" Peter asked after a while. "She'll die if she doesn't eat! Do you hear me, Brittany? You'll die!"

"I'm not dying." Brittany said, her voice barely above a whisper.

"And how do you know that?" Her dad asked bitterly. "How are you so sure that you're not going to die? Huh?"

"Because she's going to learn how to eat again. Step by step." Her mom answered him calmly. "And because we're going to pay a visit to the doctor after the weekend."

Just at that moment, the door open and Madison walked inside. Without saying a word, she sat down at the table. Brittany took a moment to get her breathing under control before she composed herself. She turned to look at her mom. Had she heard right? Were they forcing her to go to the doctor? No! She couldn't let that happen.

"You're right. I'm going to start eating again." Brittany stated calmly. "I'll gain all the weight I've lost, I promise. But I don't need to go to a doctor. If you just watch me for a while, everything will sort itself out. Really. I promise you that I'll do anything to gain weight again." She quickly placed a hand over her heart and tried to look as serious as possible.

"That's good." Her dad replied.

Brittany sighed in relief. "Thanks, dad."

"But the bathroom is forbidden territory for you from now on."

"What if I have to pee?" Brittany asked him in disbelief.

"You'll just have to hold it in." Her dad grumbled.

"Peter, stop it. We're going to work on it together. Isn't that right, Britt? If you promise that you'll start eating again, you won't have to go to a doctor."

"Mom, dad, you're not seriously believing her, are you?" Madison asked. She looked at her parents with wide eyes. "She promised me the exact same thing and look how that turned out. She only lost more weight."

"Wait, what? You knew about this?" Peter's anger returned in full force. "Why didn't you tell us?"

"Dad, please calm down. I thought that it was a better idea to talk to her myself first before getting you involved."

"You've should've come to us right away, Madison. You should've told us."

"You wouldn't have believed me. You would've just shrugged it off if I had told you that she might have anorexia. Just like you're doing now." Madison growled.

"What? Anorexia?" Peter yelled.

Brittany frantically shook her head. "I don't have anorexia, honestly. Anorexia is horrible. Those girls are sick. I'm not. I promise you that I'll start eating again."

Her eyes darted from her mom to her dad. Did they believe her? She wished that Madison would've gotten home fifteen minutes later. That way, her parents wouldn't be looking at her with concern written all over their faces right now.

"Mom, dad, don't believe her. These are just empty promises. She's misleading you."

"I'm not. Really!" Brittany almost yelled. She looked at her parents in desperation. It was dead quiet in the kitchen. Only sounds from the movie that was being played in the living room could be heard every now and then.

"I believe her." Her dad said after a while.

"Me too." Her mom added. "We're going to help you get better."

"You're both crazy." Madison shook her head. "It's not even really about losing weight. It's a scream for attention. A way to let us know that she's not okay. A way to get control over her life again. But whatever, believe what you want. I'm not going to sit around and wait until she has starved herself to death." She stood up and walked out of the kitchen.

Peter's eyebrows pinched together in confusion. "Control over her life? In what way is she not okay? She gets good grades at school. She has enough friends. I don't get it."

Nobody answered him. Especially not Brittany.

"I'll eat again. Madison is wrong." She just said quietly.

"We'll help you." Her dad mumbled before he began to clear the table in silence.

Brittany exhaled slowly. She had really dodged a bullet there. She had promised her parents and herself that she was going to try her best to start eating again and they believed her. Her mind was filled with panic though. If she couldn't throw up nor avoid eating three times a day, how was she going to lose weight?

Things only got worse when her mom made one last comment. "From now on, you're getting on the scale every week, starting today. If you don't gain weight in the upcoming weeks, I'm taking you to the doctor." She said firmly before storming up the stairs, gesturing for Brittany to follow.

Brittany was too shocked to move. She sat there at the table and watched her father as he furiously did the dishes. She didn't know what to do. She realized that her mom would without a doubt force her to go to a doctor if she found out how much Brittany really weighed.

Her eyes darted around the kitchen in panic. A jar of peanut butter and a jaw of strawberry jam were standing on the counter. Without her dad noticing, she quickly grabbed them and put them in the pockets of her sweatshirt. On her way upstairs, she shoved as much other things in her pockets as possible. She could not go to a doctor.

"Oh Britt." Her mom whispered once Brittany had stepped on the scale. "How couldn't I have noticed this before?"

Brittany didn't say anything. Her heartbeat throbbed in her throat. There was a huge number on the scale. Brittany wished that her mom would just go away so she could see her actual weight.

"How long have I been looking past you?" Her mom shook her head. The question was more directed to herself than to Brittany. She wasn't expecting an answer. She sighed sadly and scribbled down the weight in a notebook. Without saying anything else, she turned around and walked downstairs.

Brittany didn't move. She listened and waited until her mom's footsteps had faded. As soon as the coast was clear, she stripped out of her clothes and stepped on the scale a second time. She sighed in relief when the number went down almost four pounds. She smiled. Much better.

* * *

For days on end, the tension in the house was palpable. Everybody was fighting with each other. Madison was fighting with their parents because she didn't understand why they hadn't taken Brittany to a doctor yet. And their parents were fighting with Madison because they were angry with her for not being honest with them from the start. Her dad was fighting with her mom and her mom was fighting with her dad because they both dealt with things in a different way and didn't understand each other's feelings. They blamed each other that things had gotten this far because neither of them had noticed anything.

Brittany was fighting with her parents because they watched her like she was a child. And her parents were fighting with Brittany because she had damaged their trust for good. How could they ever trust her again? Brittany was also fighting with Madison, even though she didn't live at home anymore, because she hadn't helped her. And Madison was fighting with Brittany because she didn't understand and it frustrated her that she had to stand by powerless and watch her sister starve herself.

Her dad even got angry at Charlie at one point because he wasn't eating his dinner fast enough. Charlie was the only one who wasn't fighting with anyone, but he was quieter than ever.

Brittany didn't really care. Just like Charlie, she retreated into her own world. The only thing she cared about was the amount of weight she lost, counting calories and coming up with excuses to keep her parents from observing her. It worked sometimes but most of the time it didn't. Her parents watched her constantly, especially her dad.

Brittany was forced to weigh herself every Saturday. Her mom would stand next to her and scribble down the numbers in her notebook. Every week, her mom was satisfied because the weight stayed the same or was even a little higher than the week before.

What she didn't know was that Brittany drank liters of water beforehand. The more water she drank, the higher the number on the scale was, while in reality she was still losing weight. The only downside of this method was that Brittany had to run to the bathroom all day because she had to pee all the time. But it didn't matter because her mom was happy.

School was the only place where Brittany could do whatever she wanted. Her parents couldn't watch her there. She felt free whenever the dumped her lunch in a trashcan or fed it to the ducks on the way home. Of course she made sure that her now ex-friends and ex-girlfriend didn't see it. Before you knew it, they would run to her parents again to tell them. No, she would never forgive them for betraying her like that.

Brittany noticed that all the drama with her parents had only made her stronger. She had won from them because despite the weekly check-ups, she still managed to lose weight. She was beyond proud of that. It meant that she was the one in control and not her parents. But still, Brittany still wasn't happy.

Sometimes she longed for the moment when she would finally be satisfied. She didn't want to be hungry all the time. She was sick of the pain in her stomach that she felt every time she was forced to eat dinner, of the nagging pain in her chest and head, of the pain that she felt in her bones whenever she sat on a hard chair or a hard surface. She didn't want to feel cold all the time. She didn't want her hair to fall out. She didn't want to have thin, fuzzy hair on her face. And she was so tired of the worried looks that she constantly received from her parents.

On those days she longed for the moment when she could eat normally again. The moment when her life would go back to the way it used to be. But mostly, she longed for Santana, to be in her arms where she felt safe.

But she always pushed those feelings away. Because not eating made her feel good. It made her feel in control. All the symptoms she had just let her know that she was doing well, that she was going strong. Giving in would be weak. She had to keep going. Like the girl from the website had already told her, _keep going because you're fat._ Brittany knew that she was right.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

"Today, class, we are going to dissect a frog. We'll be working in pairs. Those who remain can just join a group." Mr. Brown announced that afternoon. It was mid-March. The usually quiet and boring biology teacher actually seemed excited about the idea of slicing open a frog. His students, on the other hand, were horrified.

"I'm not doing that!" Kurt yelled.

"Do you have to do it if you're a vegetarian?" Caitlyn wanted to know.

Mr. Brown nodded, an almost evil looking smile forming on his lips. His eyes were twinkling. Brittany sighed. She didn't want to dissect a frog. Besides, she was sitting by herself so she didn't have anyone to pair up with. Ever since she had broken up with Santana, the brunette always chose to sit next to Caitlyn. A sad feeling washed over Brittany as images of Santana's tearstained face flashed through her mind. Sometimes she wondered if she made the right decision back then.

**_Flashback._**

"_Santana, we need to talk." Brittany barged into Santana's bedroom._

_Santana was sitting on her bed and she looked up with a startled expression. She couldn't remember the last time Brittany had come over to her house and she instantly feared the worst. She swallowed thickly. "About what?"_

"_You," Brittany paused. This was harder than she thought it would be. She clenched her hands into fists and forced herself to stay strong. "betrayed me!"_

"_What?" Santana squeaked out. She got to her feet and took a few steps closer to Brittany. "I don't know what you're talking about."_

_Brittany scoffed. "You talked to my parents. How could you do that to me?"_

_Realization flickered in Santana's eyes. She placed a hand on Brittany's shoulder but it was immediately shrugged off. Brittany backed away from her. "Don't touch me." She hissed._

_Santana's eyes widened. She wasn't used to seeing Brittany like this but then again, the blonde hadn't been herself in months. She sighed and let her arms fall down her sides in defeat. "I was only trying to help you, Britt, try to see things from my perspective. You won't talk to me, you won't let me touch you and it hurts. It hurts so bad."_

"_Stop it." Brittany said through gritted teeth. Her shoulders were shaking from the emotions she was desperately trying to contain. "You shouldn't have gone behind my back like that when I asked you to leave it alone!" _

_Santana felt her throat constrict as tears welled up in her eyes. "What did you expect me to do? You're slowly slipping away from me and I just feel so powerless! I'm not going to tell you that I'm sorry for talking to your parents because I'm not."_

_Brittany opened and closed her mouth a few times but no words came out. The chaos in her head was growing stronger by the minute and it consumed all rational thought. She turned away so that she was facing the wall. She bit her lip as a single tear rolled down her cheek._

_Santana watched helplessly as Brittany retreated into herself. Before she could stop herself, she threw her arms around the blonde and pulled their bodies flush together. Brittany tensed and tried to fight her off but she just tightened her grip. Santana buried her face in Brittany's neck and inhaled her scent. She could feel the frailness of her body and it made her feel sick to her stomach. "Please, Britt, don't push me away."_

_Brittany let out a small cry at Santana's words. She wanted nothing more than to give in but the strong voices in her mind contrasted with the ones in her heart. She took a shuddering breath and finally gathered the strength to free herself from Santana's arms. She raised her hand to wipe her tears away before turning around to face the brunette. _

"_I'm breaking up with you."_

_Brittany watched as different emotion passed over Santana's face like a slideshow. There was disappointment, sadness, confusion but then it finally settled on utter heartbreak. Santana's bottom lip quivered, tears now freely falling from her eyes. "Please don't do this, Brittany."_

_The look on Santana's face made Brittany want to curl up into a corner and die. She lowered her gaze to the floor and spoke in a weak voice, "I'm sorry but it's for the best."_

"_No, it's not!" Santana practically yelled. "We can get through this, together. Just let me help you."_

_Brittany shook her head. "I don't need help."_

_A silence fell over the room. The only thing that could be heard were Santana's quiet sniffles. Brittany knew that now was the time to leave but something kept her from doing so. Santana suddenly walked over to her. She placed her hands on Brittany's cheeks. Brittany tried to pull away but Santana wouldn't let her. "I love you, Brittany. You'll always be the one for me and I'm not giving up on us." _

_She pressed a lingering kiss to Brittany's forehead. Brittany sighed and closed her eyes at the touch, allowing herself to get carried away for a second. Her eyes fluttered open again and she curled her fingers around Santana's wrists, prying her hands away. She gazed into warm, brown eyes and spoke with as much confidence as possible. "Just let me go."_

_A small, sad smile ghosted over Santana's lips. "Never."_

_Brittany swallowed the lump in her throat. She took a step backwards and continued to look at Santana for another moment before turning around. She walked out the door and dared once last glance over her shoulder. She felt a sharp pain in her heart when she saw that Santana had slumped to the floor, sobs wracking her small frame._

**_End flashback._**

Brittany realized that she was going to have to join another group. Most of her classmates probably wouldn't be very excited about having to work with her. Her eyes scanned the room. Everyone was already partnered up. She was the only one who was still sitting by herself, like always. Everyone avoided her nowadays. They whispered things behind her back and called her names like stick and calorie counter. Brittany didn't really care. She knew better. They were just jealous of her.

"Every pair gets one frog." Mr. Brown continued. "You will all get an apron, a scalpel, gloves and goggles."

Brittany stopped listening. She wondered if Santana would let her sit with them. She turned around and tried to get the brunette's attention but she wasn't looking. She was scribbling in her notebook. Why wouldn't she look up?

Brittany felt miserable. Everything hurt. Her stomach, her skin, her muscles, her whole body. Even sitting down hurt. She was cold, ice cold. Her fingernails were starting to turn blue. No wonder, Brittany thought, it was freezing in the classroom. Still, she smiled weakly. The pain she felt was a sign that she was doing well, a conformation that she was good at this. That she could do something most people couldn't.

Brittany shuddered whenever she watched her classmates or her parents. The whole day they were busy stuffing food into their mouths; sandwiches with fat fillings, meat with greasy sauce, candy and other snacks. Brittany felt strong every time someone else ate something. They were weak. She wasn't, because this is what she was good at; not eating.

"Alright, if everyone's partnered up, I'll start handing out the frogs." Mr. Brown said. Brittany turned in her seat. If she wouldn't go to Santana now, Mr. Brown would make her join a random pair and she really didn't want that to happen.

She stood up with a tired groan and immediately gripped onto the back of the chair. The whole classroom was spinning around her. She took a few deep breaths and momentarily closed her eyes to make it stop.

"It's alive." A girl, that was sitting behind her, whispered. Brittany ignored her. She opened her eyes and began to make her way to the back of the classroom.

"Be careful!" Mr. Brown warned one of the students.

His voice sounded far away. Brittany only had to take a few more steps before she would reach Santana. She was panting heavily. Only one row left. Everything in her head was spinning. Why wouldn't the chairs just stay in place?

She felt nauseous. Sweat broke out over her skin. Her heart was pounding in her chest, her legs were shaking uncontrollably and she had to hold on to the desks that she walked by to keep herself upright. There was a buzzing noise in her head and black dots blurred her vision.

Nobody noticed her. Everyone's attention was focused on their work. Nobody noticed all the blood draining from her cheeks, turning her pale white. Brittany finally reached Santana and Caitlyn. They both looked up at the same time. Santana's eyes widened with concern as she stared at Brittany in shock. Brittany wanted to say something but her throat felt dry and she couldn't make a sound. Suddenly, her knees buckled and everything became black around her.

* * *

Santana scrambled to her feet as soon as Brittany fell to the floor. She dropped down on her knees beside her and brushed the hair away from her clammy forehead. Brittany's skin was deathly pale and Santana's stomach tied itself in knots. Tears welled up in her eyes as she ran her hands over Brittany's cheeks. "Oh God, Brittany? Baby? Can you hear me?"

She looked up when someone placed a hand on her shoulder. Her eyes met Quinn's concerned ones. Santana could vaguely hear Mr. Brown bark orders at everyone to leave the classroom. Caitlyn seemed conflicted but then decided to walk out the door, following the rest.

Santana's attention was snapped back to Brittany when Brittany's eyelids slowly fluttered open, revealing dull blue orbs that were filled with confusion. Santana took the blonde's hand and raised it to her lips, kissing her palm. "It's okay, Britt."

Brittany's eyes darted around the room, from Santana, Quinn and Kurt who were kneeling down at her left side to Mr. Brown who was kneeling down at her right side. They landed on Santana again and stayed there. Santana's own eyes were shimmering with unshed tears and her pupils were as wide as saucers. She looked terrified.

"Do you know where you are?" Mr. Brown asked.

Brittany blinked a few times before quietly answering the question. "In biology class."

Santana continued to stroke her hair soothingly. Quinn let out a soft, relieved chuckle. Kurt stayed silent. Mr. Brown just nodded before asking another question. "What's your name?"

Brittany's eyebrows pinched together. "Brittany S. Pierce. Not Britney Spears."

This time, Santana and Kurt chuckled as well.

"Brittany, you fainted. Try to get up slowly." Mr. Brown said. Brittany noted that his voice sounded weird. She looked at him to make sure that he hadn't swallowed a frog. It took a moment for her to realize that he had sounded concerned which was strange, considering how emotionless he usually was.

Brittany slowly tried to sit up with the help of Santana and Quinn. Santana carefully studied her features. "You scared us there, Britt."

"How are you feeling?" Mr. Brown asked.

Brittany was almost sitting upright. The classroom was still spinning a little and the buzzing noise in her head was still present but less than before. Black dots were no longer blurring her vision. She shrugged. "Okay, I guess."

"What have you eaten today?" Mr. Brown asked firmly. Brittany needed some time to think about that. It wasn't really any of his business anyway. She still answered the question though. She didn't really have a choice. He kept staring at her and he probably wouldn't stop until she had responded.

"An apple… and…" Brittany stammered. She couldn't remember.

"I'm calling your parents, Brittany. You need to see a doctor."

Brittany just sighed. She didn't have the strength to fight him. Santana was still combing her fingers through Brittany's hair, lightly scratching her scalp, knowing that this always calmed the girl. She smiled softly before speaking in a gentle and assuring voice. "We're going to help you, Britt."

* * *

The next day, Brittany was sitting in the doctor's office with her mom and Santana. She had tried to fight it at first. She had promised that she would start eating again and that she had only fainted because she hadn't been feeling well. But her parents and especially Santana hadn't bought it.

Her mom was doing the talking while Brittany stayed silent. She stared out of the window, as if they were talking about someone else instead of herself. She could feel Santana's eyes on her the entire time but she tried to ignore it. She didn't even know why Santana still cared about her after she had broken her heart. Maybe she had meant it when she said that she would never give up on them.

"Brittany," The doctor began in a soft tone. "do you believe that you're too fat?"

Brittany hesitantly turned her head to meet the woman's eyes. Did she really have to answer that question with her mom and Santana in the room? The doctor gave her an encouraging nod. Brittany sighed, it felt like that was all she had been doing lately, and mumbled a simple, "Yes."

The doctor nodded and scribbled something down. Brittany felt the sudden urge to tell her more about her fat body and the chaos in her head that kept her from thinking clearly. She wanted to tell the doctor everything but she couldn't. Not with her mom and Santana there. Of course she had seen their shocked reactions.

"Have you ever heard of Anorexia Nervosa?" The doctor asked gently after she had finished writing. Brittany nodded. Of course she had heard of it. In fact, it was the only thing she had been hearing about lately. "I have a good reason to believe that you're suffering from it."

No, no, no! She didn't have anorexia. Why did everyone keep saying that? She nervously fiddled with the hem of her shirt. She didn't want to have this conversation anymore but the doctor continued. "You are way too light for your age and height. How long has it been since you stopped eating normally?"

The woman's voice was sweet. Too sweet. Brittany shrugged. Her eyes anxiously darted from her mom to Santana who was fidgeting in her seat. Brittany suddenly felt really embarrassed. The doctor kept staring at her and even repeated the question, not taking Brittany's feelings into consideration.

"I think… since September." She finally said as softly as possible. Everyone had heard her of course.

"Since September?" Her mom repeated, tears welling up in her eyes. "This has been going on for six months? Oh my God, this is all my fault. If I had been home more often, I might've noticed it earlier. I could've done something about it. I could've…"

"No, ma'am, you couldn't have." The doctor interrupted her. "Even then you wouldn't have seen it or noticed it until it was too late. Anorexia patients are known for doing everything within their power to avoid having to eat."

She spoke as if Brittany wasn't even in the room and Brittany suddenly felt really small. It was an unpleasant feeling. The doctor scribbled something down again before she looked at them with a serious expression. There wasn't much that she could do herself so she directed Brittany to a clinic designed for the treatment of teenagers with eating disorders.

The drive home was quiet, expect for the sad sighs that escaped her mom's lips every now and then. Santana had a death grip on Brittany's hand, almost as if she was afraid that the girl would disappear if she let go. Brittany just let her, she didn't have the strength to protest and somewhere deep down she felt comforted by the gesture.

* * *

Brittany absolutely didn't want to go to a specialized clinic. How was she supposed to talk to strangers about what she felt when she couldn't even talk about it with her own family? The thought of discussing her life with strange men and women freaked her out. She didn't like the idea at all and luckily her father didn't either. He didn't believe in all that 'psychological nonsense' as he called it.

"We can fix this ourselves. We don't need a psychiatrist." He had said. "Brittany will start eating again and things will go back to the way they used to be."

Day after day, her parents fought about it. Brittany didn't mind. She didn't have to go to the clinic where she'd have to talk to strangers as long as her father didn't want her to go. She could keep control over her diet and over her life. The idea of being forced to eat and losing all control in the process sounded horrible.

Eventually, it was Madison who convinced their father that Brittany had to go to the clinic. She had spoken with him about how things couldn't go on like this and that he couldn't win this battle by himself for hours and he had finally given in. Brittany had to go to the clinic. Her thoughts and opinions didn't matter.

* * *

'Voluntarily', Brittany checked herself in a few days later. Santana and Madison dropped her off. She wanted it that way. She didn't want to hear a lecture from her parents in the car and see the disappointment in their eyes.

The drive seemed to take ages, while in fact it was only thirty minutes. Neither of them said anything. Brittany rested her forehead against the cold glass of the window and watched the cars that passed by. She didn't want to be this far away from her home, her family and friends, who she would miss despite them wanting her to go to the clinic. She let out a heavy sigh.

"Britt." Madison caught her attention when they were almost there. "I'm glad that you're going."

"Good for you." Brittany replied, irritated. She didn't feel like being nice to her sister. It was mostly because of her that she had to go to the clinic.

"I'm always here for you."

Brittany felt her throat constrict with emotion. She wanted nothing more than to throw herself in her sister's arms and burst into tears. But in the end she just mumbled, "Yeah, I've noticed."

After that, she opened the door and jumped out of the car. Santana was quick to follow her. She tugged on the sleeve of Brittany's sweatshirt to make her stop walking. Brittany sighed and reluctantly did so. "What?"

"Madison loves you and she just wants what's best for you. We all do." Santana said softly, almost pleadingly. Brittany huffed angrily and didn't say anything. Santana took the blonde's hand in her own. "Don't be like this, Britt. I know that you're not happy with me right now but I still love you and I'm really going to miss you."

Brittany couldn't stand seeing Santana this upset. It made her feel like the worst person in the world. She looked down at their joined hands and a wave of sadness rippled through her body. Her eyes found brown ones and she couldn't stop herself from pulling Santana into a tight hug. The voices in her head protested loudly but she tuned them out. She knew that no matter how hard she tried, she could never really walk away. Santana sighed contentedly and wrapped her arms around Brittany's thin waist.

They just stood there for a while until Brittany finally pulled away. She pecked Santana on the cheek before she turned around and headed inside.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

At the clinic, Brittany first had to go through a few intake interviews. She was then assigned to a room and introduced to the other girls in her group. In the first week they let Brittany get settled in. They tested how much food Brittany's body could handle and adjusted the portions she had to eat to that.

After that, they built up the meals. Brittany started out with a basic menu which meant three meals and three snacks per day, eating every 2.5 to 3 hours. She wasn't allowed to do any exercising yet. Brittany could feel herself become fatter by the day, no scratch that, by the minute. She would always try to do a few exercises underneath her blankets when nobody was paying attention to her, like holding her legs up in the air to train the muscles in her abdomen. That way, she felt like she was at least doing something to lose weight.

But it didn't take long for one of the nurses to notice and now she was constantly being watched. Because the freedom they gave you to exercise depended on your weight. The more weight you gained, the more you were allowed to do and Brittany hadn't gained enough weight yet to allow abdominal crunches.

Every day was the same. Wake up early. Eat breakfast. Do chores (Brittany wasn't ready for that in the first few weeks because she wasn't allowed to be involved with food yet). Therapy came after that. Rest in your room. Go to school (at the clinic). Lunch. More chores (Brittany usually retreated to her room around that time). More school. Rest. Therapy. Free time. Dinner. Watch TV. Rest. Hang out with the rest of the group. Sleep.

Brittany slowly gained pound after pound. It made her feel gross. Her face was starting to look fat, at least that's what she thought herself, and she was getting a layer of fat on her stomach. The doctor was pleased with the progress but Brittany was miserable. She had been happy before but this was ruining everything she had worked for. She wanted to see what she looked like but there were no mirrors in the clinic. She hated her own body, that was once again stuffed with calories.

At first, Brittany didn't want anyone to visit her and enter her world at the clinic. But after a few weeks she was really starting to miss her family and friends. They stopped by one by one. Her friends brought her notes from school so she wouldn't get too far behind. Brittany liked it when Quinn and Kurt stopped by but she liked it the most when Santana did. They kept their conversations light and it felt familiar. Almost like the way it used to be.

* * *

Today was one of those days. Santana was currently walking through the long corridor to Brittany's room. She had brought a little stuffed duck that she had bought earlier in hopes to cheer Brittany up a little. She knew that Brittany hated it at the clinic but Santana was just relieved that she was finally getting the help that she needed. They hadn't discussed their break-up yet, Santana knew that Brittany wasn't ready for that, she needed to focus on her recovery and Santana didn't mind, she was okay with just being Brittany's friend right now.

Santana reached Brittany's room and she stopped walking. She took a deep breath before she slowly pushed the door open. The truth was that Brittany still didn't look that good. Her hair didn't shine like it used to, her blue eyes didn't sparkle and her body was still frail. She was a shell of the person she used to be and she still had a long way to go but at least she was getting there. Santana was proud of her. Brittany noticed her standing in the doorway and she looked up, smiling warmly.

"Hi."

Santana returned the smile and walked further into the room. Brittany stood up from her chair and shuffled in her direction. They met each other halfway, giving each other a hug. Santana was a bit scared that she would hurt the blonde since she still looked so weak but she was all too happy that Brittany was even allowing physical contact in the first place. She pulled back slightly and pressed a gentle kiss to Brittany's cheek. "Hi, Britt."

"Let's sit down." Brittany said, slowly stepping away from the embrace. She led Santana to the table near the window where they both took a seat. For a while, they just sat there in a comfortable silence. Brittany couldn't help but notice the dark circles under Santana's eyes. She looked exhausted.

Santana caught her staring and gave her a questioning look. "What is it?"

"You look tired." Brittany stated, averting her gaze to her hands. "Have you been sleeping?"

The truth was that Santana hadn't slept properly in weeks. Every night she would be tossing and turning in her bed, trying to figure out how something like this could happen to someone as happy and lively as Brittany. Santana had always seen it as her job to protect Brittany, it had been that way since they were kids, and she couldn't help but feel like she had failed.

"San?"

Santana turned her head to meet Brittany's concerned eyes. She felt her heart flutter in her chest. Brittany hadn't looked at her in that way in months. She cleared her throat, trying to keep her emotions under control. "I just keep wondering, what was it that made you want to start losing weight?"

Brittany's face fell and she shifted in her seat. She nervously chewed on her bottom lip before answering the question. "I don't know."

"Yes, you do." Santana said gently. She reached out across the table and took Brittany's hand in her own. "I've spend hours trying to figure out what might've triggered it and it's killing me. Please, Britt, talk to me. Did I do something wrong?"

"Not really." Brittany replied, her voice barely above a whisper. Her thumb started to trace patterns on Santana's palm distractedly. She sighed when Santana continued to stare at her in expectance. She took a moment to gather her thoughts, not really knowing where to begin, before she finally asked, "Do you remember when we watched Bridget Jones at our movie night?"

Santana nodded. "That's when Quinn …" She trailed off as realization hit her. She felt all the color drain from her face and her heart sank to her stomach. Her thoughts immediately went to the day Brittany had voiced her insecurities to her. Santana hadn't thought about it up until now. She had honestly thought that she had been able to reassure Brittany at the time. She couldn't believe that she had shrugged it off so easily. It felt like her insides were being squeezed and twisted all at once.

Brittany watched as Santana's face twisted into a horrified expression. She gave the brunette's hand a soft squeeze to get her attention. "San, please don't blame yourself."

"B-but…" Santana struggled to speak, the air rushing out of her lungs. Brittany waited patiently as she gently ran her thumb over Santana's knuckles, trying to calm her down a little. Santana slowly relaxed at the soothing touch. Her voice sounded weak and shaky when she spoke again. "Britt, she didn't mean it. I thought you knew that. I... I don't get it."

Brittany looked down at the table. "That wasn't the only comment, there were a bunch of them that made me feel really insecure. And…"

It took a second for Santana to realize that Brittany wasn't going to continue. "And?" She gently encouraged the blonde to go on.

"And then there's Caitlyn." Brittany said softly. Santana wouldn't have heard the answer if she hadn't been straining her ears to hear it. Her eyebrows pinched together in confusion. She knew that Brittany didn't particularly like Caitlyn but she didn't know what that had to do with any of this.

"What about her?"

"I was jealous of her." Brittany said, finally lifting her head to look at Santana. Confusion was written all over Santana's features and Brittany realized that she had to explain herself. She took a deep breath in preparation. "There's something about her that intimidates me. She's gorgeous and when she started spending more and more time with you, I couldn't help but feel scared. You're such an amazing person, San, and it's constantly on my mind that one day you'll wake up and realize that I'm not good enough for you."

Santana was shocked. She stood up and dragged her chair around the table, coming to a stop directly in front of Brittany. She sat down and took both of Brittany's hands in her own. "Britt, I had no idea. I wish you would've talked to me about this."

Brittany sniffled and looked away from her. "I thought that I was just being stupid."

"Hey, look at me." Santana cooed, giving Brittany's hands a soft squeeze. She waited until blue eyes met hers before continuing. "Don't ever call yourself stupid because you're far from it. I love you, Britt, only you. It pains me to know that I didn't pay enough attention to you to notice all of this. You are beautiful, Brittany, inside and out. Why can't you see that?"

Brittany felt her throat close up with emotion. She had to fight the tears that were threatening to escape her eyes. She wanted to look away again but Santana placed two fingers under her chin and tilted her head up, forcing eye-contact. "Do you want me to tell you what I see?" Brittany shrugged unsurely. "Brittany, you are the strongest, kindest, and most passionate person I have ever met. After all this time, you still take my breath away by simply smiling at me. I love the color of your eyes, the cute freckles that are sprinkled across your nose and cheekbones, the way you smell, the fairness of your skin, the softness of your hair. The list could go on forever. You are beautiful and I love you."

A tear fell down Brittany's cheek. She actually believed Santana when she said all those things. The voices in her head were protesting and telling her otherwise but Santana was looking at her with such intensity that for the first time in months, Brittany felt like she was worth something. Her breath hitched in her throat when Santana started to lean in and her eyes fluttered shut when their lips connected for the first time in months. Brittany let out a small sigh, she had missed this feeling so much, the familiar warmth of Santana. The kiss was slow but so meaningful. Brittany could feel her heart pound in her ears as they slowly pulled away from each other.

Santana smiled softly and placed her hands on Brittany's cheeks, caressing the soft skin with her thumbs and marveling at the contrast of their skin tones. She rested their foreheads together. "When I look at you, I see Brittany Susan Pierce; my first and only true love."

Another tear fell down Brittany's cheek and Santana kissed it away. She slowly opened her eyes and found herself drowning in chocolate brown orbs that held nothing but sincerity and love. She let out a shuddering breath. "I love you too, Santana."

Santana's smile was the only reassurance that Brittany needed. Santana kissed Brittany's forehead, her nose, her cheeks and finally her lips. She pulled back and gazed into ocean blue eyes that she loved more than anything. "Don't ever doubt yourself, honey. Caitlyn is just a friend and you don't have anything to worry about it. I don't want her. I just want you."

Brittany hesitated for a moment before quietly saying, "But I'm not as skinny as she is. You said so yourself."

Santana barely managed to suppress a gasp. She instantly understood what Brittany was talking about. She didn't even bother to hold back the tears that welled up in her eyes. "Oh baby, I didn't mean it like that. Your body shape is just different from hers but in the best possible way. I'm so sorry, Brittany, I should've phrased things differently. I feel so terrible, please-"

Brittany cut off Santana's rambling with a quick peck on the lips. "Calm down, San. It's okay. Most people wouldn't get so upset over a comment like that but I guess that I'm not like most people."

Santana gently tucked a strand of hair behind Brittany's ear. "You are definitely not like most people. You're my Britt-Britt."

Brittany smiled for what felt like the first time in months and it lit up the whole room. Santana felt her heart swell with love. She pulled away from Brittany and began to search through her bag. "I brought you something."

"You did?" Brittany perked up. "What is it?"

Santana laughed. This Brittany, the one that got excited over the simplest things, was the one that Santana knew and adored. She handed Brittany the stuffed duck and watched as the blonde's eyes sparkled with excitement. Santana felt a surge of happiness flow through her body, maybe things were going to be okay after all.

* * *

The next evening, Brittany was surprised when Quinn came by to visit by herself. Kurt usually came with her. The nervous looking blonde was standing in the doorway, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt and chewing on her bottom lip. Their eyes met and Brittany tilted her head questioningly.

"Aren't you coming in?"

Quinn gave her a small nod in response and slowly walked into the room. She sat down in the chair next to Brittany's bed and returned her attention to the hem of her shirt. Brittany frowned slightly, it was strange to see Quinn like this considering her usual confidence. "Is everything okay?"

The shorter blonde finally looked up. She cleared her throat. "I spoke with Santana yesterday and…" Tears welled up in her eyes and she buried her face in her hands. "This is all my fault!"

Brittany's frown deepened. She had only seen Quinn cry a few times in her life and it just broke her heart. She gently pulled Quinn's hands away from her face to make the blonde look at her. "Hey, it's not your fault."

"It is!" Quinn protested. "I was the one who made that stupid comment and then another one a few weeks later. If I would just use my damn brain before speaking for once, none of this would've happened. I feel so bad!"

Brittany smiled softly and took Quinn's hand in her own. "Q, listen to me. These insecurities have always been inside of me. If you hadn't made that comment, someone else would've said something eventually and this still would've happened."

Quinn looked unconvinced. Her lips trembled as more tears slid down her cheeks. "Still, I should've been there for you. You're my best friend and you needed me but I was too busy hanging out with Caitlyn."

"There's nothing that you could've done." Brittany told her gently. "I pushed everyone away from me because I didn't want anyone's help. Please, Quinn, don't feel bad. It's all in the past now, let's focus on the future."

"You're too good for this world, Britt." Quinn said with a watery chuckle. She looked down at the floor and a few seconds passed before she spoke again "I just hope that you know how sorry I am."

"I do and I forgive you." Brittany replied softly, giving the blonde's hand a soft squeeze. "Now get out of that stupid chair and give me a hug."

Quinn smiled and immediately stood up, wrapping her arms around Brittany's small frame. She had never felt guiltier than she did after her conversation with Santana yesterday. She had never realized how much harm one comment could do and she knew for a fact that from now on, she would think twice before speaking.

* * *

Brittany followed different types of therapy in the months she was at the clinic. She learned more about herself, her behavior, her body and her thoughts. She slowly began to accept food and its consequences, although they would never be best friends. She learned how to deal with food in a different way so that her fear for it would disappear.

Besides the individual- and groups therapy sessions, Brittany also followed family therapy sessions with her parents. They learned how to deal with everything together and the disease anorexia. They learned how to talk about it and how to accept it.

Brittany was allowed to go home after the doctor decided that she weighed enough. It was mid-July so that meant she still had a few weeks left before school would start again. She made a commitment to her doctors, therapists and family that she would continue to gain weight. Brittany was honestly going to try her hardest to keep her promise because she absolutely did not want to go back to the clinic.


	11. Chapter 11

_Thanks to everyone who is reading this story. Only one chapter left after this one._

_Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or the characters. A troll with a yellow hat does._

* * *

**Chapter 11**

It was summertime. School would start again in four weeks. Until that time, Brittany could get used to living her life normally again. Well, not entirely. Her parents watched her every move, making sure that she ate enough. It kind of annoyed Brittany because it made her feel like a child. Every once in a while she commented on it but her parents would always tell her that they were just looking out for her and that it was for her own good.

Brittany didn't have an argument against that. Therefore, she tried her hardest to keep her promises and ate as much as she could, but with the deal that her father would cook more healthy things. She ate a lot of vegetables, a small amount of potatoes and only a tiny bit of meat or fish. Her parents were okay with that.

Brittany spent a lot of time with Santana, Quinn and Kurt. One day they would all go to the beach, the other day they would just hang out and listen to music or go shopping. Despite how strict her parents were, Brittany was really glad that she was out of the clinic.

Two weeks before the start of school, the Pierce family went on vacation together to LA. With the exception of Madison who chose to travel through Europe with her friends. Brittany loved to be at the beach all day with a good book. She hardly read anything though. She felt guilty that she had completely ignored Charlie over the past few months. Now that she was around her little brother again, she noticed that he had become more quiet and withdrawn. Because of that reason, Brittany put her book aside and spend time with Charlie; swimming in the sea, building sandcastles, buying ice-cream.

It was an amazing vacation. One that they had all needed. Tan and completely relaxed, they arrived home a week later. Brittany had just brought her heavy suitcase up to her room when she felt her phone buzz in her pocket. She smiled when Santana's name flashed across the screen.

"Hi." She answered the phone happily. "You're up early."

"Yeah but I knew that you'd be coming home this morning." Santana replied, making Brittany smile even wider. "How was it?"

"It was awesome. I loved doing absolutely nothing."

"Well, don't get used to it because school starts next week." Santana reminded her.

"You sure now how to cheer someone up."

Santana laughed. "I know, it's one of my many talents. Anyway, speaking of school, Quinn and I agreed to go shopping for supplies today. Do you want to join us?"

Brittany had to admit that she hadn't even thought about buying school supplies yet. "Sure. How late are we meeting up?"

"I'll pick you up. Quinn will be waiting at the mall around two."

They said their goodbyes and Brittany hung up the phone, a smile still present on her face. It felt nice that things were slowly going back to the way they used to be. She spent the next hour unpacking her suitcase and before she knew it, Santana pulled up in front of her house.

* * *

Quinn was already waiting for them when they arrived at the mall. After some discussion, they decided to go to Staples. It turned out that they weren't the only ones with the idea to shop for school supplies because the store was extremely crowded. Brittany had to fight to get everything she needed but luckily, Santana was there to push all the people out of their way. After they had paid for everything, they decided to do some more shopping.

They soon found themselves in the makeup section of a store and made it their mission to try out every product. Suddenly, a deep voice sounded from behind them. "Ladies, do you plan on actually buying anything or are you just here to make a mess?"

"Uh…" Brittany looked at the salesman with wide eyes.

"We have to test everything before we can make a well-considered decision. You can never be too careful with make-up nowadays." Santana told him with a serious expression. Quinn and Brittany were struggling to keep from laughing. "But now that you're here, I could actually use your help. What do you think, does this color match with my eyes or do you prefer this one?"

The brunette was holding up two different lipsticks and one of them was already applied to her lips. She pouted and batted her eyelashes seductively. The poor guy didn't know where to look, he mumbled something under his breath and walked away from them. The three girls burst out laughing and quickly left the store.

It was a good old fashioned, fun day and when they were done shopping, Quinn glanced at her watch. "Do guys want to get pizza? There's a nice, cheap Italian restaurant not too far from here."

Santana turned to look at Brittany with a mixture of hope and concern in her eyes. Brittany felt a twisting in her stomach, as if her whole body was protesting. Because after all, pizza made you fat and disgusting. She shook her head to make the thoughts go away. She was better now. She didn't have an eating disorder anymore.

"Sure. But I'll have to call my dad to tell him that I won't be having dinner at home." She said determinedly. She fished her phone out of her pocket and dialed her dad's number. It took a while before he answered. "Hi dad, I'm at the mall with Santana and Quinn. We're going to eat pizza so I won't be home for dinner."

Brittany heard her dad breathe heavily through the phone. "I, uh… that's fine. Of course, yeah, that's fine." He finally said. Brittany could hear the hesitation in his voice.

"Okay, I'll talk to you later." Brittany said, slightly irritated, before ending the call. She wondered if her parents would ever trust her again. For a few seconds, she felt conflicted. It wouldn't be hard to avoid eating the pizza. All she had to do was tell her friends that her dad wanted her to come home.

She was snapped out of her thoughts when Santana placed a hand on her shoulder. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah." Brittany nodded slowly. "Let's go. I would like some pizza."

* * *

The next day, Brittany and Santana were walking through the park together, their hands brushing against each other every now and then. Neither of them dared to move things further than that, not when it was still unclear where they were standing right now. They walked in a comfortable silence until they came to a stop at a bench. They both sat down, leaving a small amount of distance between them.

Brittany looked down at her lap, picking her fingernails as she tried to think of where to begin. Santana just waited patiently. Finally, the blonde began to speak in a soft voice. "I was really confused before. All I could think about was food and calories and everything else was just a distraction in my eyes. I know I was wrong when I said that you betrayed me when you were only trying to help me but it made sense in my mind. I was just so defensive and I genuinely thought that there was nothing wrong with me. I'm so sorry that I hurt you. The person that broke up with you wasn't me, San. I love you and I hope that you can forgive me."

Santana inhaled deeply and took a moment to process Brittany's words. She could feel her heart pound in her chest. Santana knew that Brittany wasn't herself when she broke up with her but she still shattered her heart. She didn't think that she would be able to handle it if the blonde left her again. Hesitation must've been evident on her face because Brittany's eyes filled with concern. She reached out and took Santana's hand in her own. "Please tell me that I'm not too late."

Santana felt her heart clench in her chest when she heard to vulnerability in Brittany's voice. She twisted her hand to thread their fingers together, relishing the feeling of the blonde's soft skin under her fingertips. She swallowed thickly. "When you broke up with me, I didn't know what to do with myself. It felt like you took my heart with you and it was then that I realized that I'm nothing without you. I was devastated."

Santana pulled Brittany closer to her when the blonde let out a small whimper at her words. A few moments of silence passed before Brittany had composed herself enough to say something.

"I wish that I could go back in time and change things because breaking up with you is the stupidest thing I've ever done." Brittany said, her voice cracking a little. "I'm still madly in love with you and I'm willing to do anything to win your trust back. My heart is yours, Santana Lopez. It always has been and it always will be."

Santana could see the pain in her eyes. She moved closer to Brittany and reached her hand up to caress the girl's cheek, wiping her tears away with the pad of her thumb. Brittany closed her eyes and leaned into the touch. Santana smiled softly and leaned in, pressing her lips to Brittany's pink, soft ones. She could feel the hesitation slowly leave her body as they melted against each other, pouring every ounce of love they possessed into the kiss.

They pulled back and Santana gave Brittany's hand a soft squeeze. "I need you, Britt. I need you and that's okay because I love you more than anything in this world. And most of all, I forgive you. Being apart from you only made me realize that I can't live without you."

Another tear trailed down Brittany's cheek and Santana was quick to wipe it away, kissing the spot for good measure.

"I miss you, San."

"I miss you too, Britt."

"I want to be with you." Brittany told her shyly. "That's what I've always wanted."

Santana raised Brittany's hand to her lips, kissing pale fingers. "I want that too."

Brittany felt like she could finally breathe again. She wrapped her arm around Santana's waist and pulled her in close. Santana sighed happily and rested her head on the blonde's shoulder. Brittany smiled and gently ran her fingers through Santana's long hair. "I know that I wasn't there for you when you needed me, with your parents and all, but I'm here now and you can talk to me."

Santana pressed a feather-light kiss to the underside of Brittany's jaw. "I know." She whispered.

* * *

Brittany had a hard time waking up that morning. Her bed was too comfortable. She wished that she could just sleep all day. She sighed and rolled over onto her back. She really didn't feel like going back to school. It had been almost half a year since she had last been there.

Santana was supposed to pick her up. Brittany glanced at the alarm clock on the bedside table and another sigh escaped her lips. She would really have to get up now if she didn't want to let Santana wait. Brittany was beyond nervous for today. She wondered how other students were going to react to her being back. Would they still even want to talk to her?

She finally climbed out of bed with a tired groan. She picked out some clothes and put them on before grabbing her backpack and making her way downstairs. Her parents were already awake. A shudder of anxiety rippled through Brittany's body. They were both leaning against the counter, listening to Charlie's rambling. The little boy was seated at the table with a bowl of cornflakes in front of him.

"Good morning, honey." Her mom said when Brittany walked into the room.

"Are you scared to go back to school?" Her dad asked.

Brittany nodded. "I'm glad that Santana is picking me up."

"That's nice. I made…" Peter trailed off, hesitation flickering in his eyes. He gestured to the two sandwiches that he had prepared and looked at her with an almost apologetic frown when he said, "For lunch."

"Thanks dad." Brittany said with a small smile. She could tell that her dad was relieved. He put the sandwiches in a lunch bag and handed it to her. Brittany sat down at the table and quickly ate a bowl of yoghurt. She then spotted Santana's car so she said goodbye to her parents and rushed out the door.

"Hi, baby." Santana greeted her once she had slid into the passenger's seat, leaning in to peck her on the lips. "Are you ready for today?"

Brittany just shook her head. Santana pouted in sympathy.

"I can imagine. But you'll see that you'll get used to it again soon enough." Santana tried to assure her. She waited until Brittany gave her a small nod in reply before she started the engine and pulled out of the parking space.

* * *

It turned out that Brittany had been nervous for no reason. Almost everyone was really glad to see her and genuinely wanted to know how she was doing. Brittany just smiled and told them that she was doing great. Their biology teacher, Mr. Brown, was also really happy to see that Brittany was back.

"You look a lot better than you did a few months ago. It's good to have you back." He told her, giving her a handshake.

"Thanks." Brittany smiled. After that, she quickly turned around and walked away. His breath still smelled as horrible as it used to.

Santana was waiting for her in the doorway. She smiled brightly and took Brittany's hand in her own, lacing their fingers together. "See, I told you that you had nothing to worry about it."

"I'm so relieved." Brittany told her. Her eyes suddenly landed on Caitlyn who was standing in the distance. The brunette looked amazing as expected and Brittany felt the familiar feeling of jealousy bubble up inside of her. Caitlyn waved at her and Brittany forced herself to wave back. A heavy feeling settled in the pit of her stomach and her hands were starting to sweat. Brittany instantly recognized the symptoms of a panic attack. She inhaled deeply. In and out. Out of habit, her grip on Santana's hand tightened.

Santana's brow furrowed in confusion and she followed Brittany's line of sight. She felt her heart clench in her chest when she realized how much effect Caitlyn's presence still had on her girlfriend. She ran her thumb over Brittany's knuckles, soothingly. "Do you want to get out of here?"

Brittany nodded. Santana gave her hand a gentle squeeze and led her outside. They didn't stop walking until they reached the small grass field behind the school building. They sat down and Santana maneuvered Brittany so that the blonde was sitting between her legs, her back against Santana's chest. Brittany snuggled into Santana's arms and clasped their hands together on her stomach.

For a while, neither of them said anything. The heavy feeling was slowly disappearing from Brittany's stomach, like the air out of a tire. "I'm sorry." She finally whispered.

Santana pressed a kiss just below Brittany's ear. "There's nothing to be sorry for, baby."

"I know that I don't have to feel threatened by Caitlyn because you don't want her." Brittany continued softly, cuddling even closer into Santana's body. "I guess it'll take some time for my mind to fully understand that."

"And no one blames you for that." Santana told her gently. She brushed some hair away from Brittany's face and pressed a kiss to her forehead, earning a loving smile. Leaning back and looking up at the clouds, Brittany felt more at peace than she had ever done before.

* * *

During the first few days, it was hard for Brittany to get used to being back at school and the enormous amount of homework that came along with it. But everything quickly went back to normal. She sat next to Santana in class again and had fun with her friends at lunch break.

But despite all of this, she could sometimes feel the chaos threatening to return to her mind. Her thoughts would darken and it felt like she was carrying a wet sponge around in her head. Brittany tried to fight it by ignoring the heavy feeling weighing down on her chest. But that wasn't easy.

Luckily, school kept her busy. Homework, tests, essays, books and other things required all of her time. Brittany didn't mind at all. This way, she didn't have any time to think about anything else.

One day in November, her mom decided to bake one of her famous chocolate cakes. Brittany stared at the slice on the plate in front of her for a long time before she carefully took a bite. It had been over a year since she had last eaten this and she chewed extra slowly to fully experience the flavor. It was quite intense. Soon, she had cleared her plate. Just like that. The cake was in her stomach, producing fat that would go to her hips.

Brittany's breathing sped up. The taste that lingered in her mouth was gross. She was regretful. Her parents were just happy that she was eating again but Brittany didn't share that feeling. And for the first time in months, she made her homework on the home trainer that night.

Despite all her good intentions and promises, Brittany found herself struggling more and more. No matter how much she wanted to eat for the sake of not hurting her parents and her friends, the need to lose weight and the fear of becoming fatter grew by the minute. Because despite everything, Brittany still felt fat.

The chaos in her mind, that she had been able to ignore for a long time, was becoming stronger again. She was losing the control over her own thoughts. She focused all her attention on her homework to keep herself distracted but it wasn't enough. She knew it. She felt it.

The urge to weigh herself became stronger by the day. And after a week, she finally gave in to it and stepped on the scale. The urge to exercise and stay in shape also become stronger again. Whenever Brittany was home alone, she would climb the stairs countless of times, with a schoolbook in her hands.

Brittany came up with excuses to avoid having to eat more and more often. She woke up early in the morning, before her parents and Charlie, so that she wouldn't have to eat breakfast with them. She made tea and sprinkled the breadcrumbs from her lunchbox on a plate to make it seem like she had been eating normally. Or she would just eat some yoghurt. At first she would always add five spoons of muesli out of protest but that soon became less and less and eventually she only added half a spoon.

She started to throw her lunch away again. Secretly, when she was sure that nobody was watching. But she always made sure that somebody saw her eat something, just a tiny bite to avoid raising suspicion.

In the beginning, Brittany ate dinner normally but it didn't take long for her to start putting less and less food on her plate. Every bite took her hours. She could see the panic in her parents' eyes. They smiled encouragingly whenever she did eat something but their eyes screamed something different. This scared Brittany so she decided to some research on the internet. She really didn't have the nerve to throw up again. She was way too scared of getting caught.

The alternative were laxatives, she bought them at different drugstores. The advantage was that she could eat normal amounts of food without gaining too much weight. So in the evening she ate normally, knowing that there wasn't anything to worry about because she had the pills. Nobody noticed anything. Brittany felt fine. She had her life and mostly herself under control again. The guilt she once felt was gone. But the fear in her parent's eyes wasn't.

Christmas came and went. She celebrated New Year's Eve at Santana's house, though she didn't dare touch any of the snacks Santana's mom had prepared. She just ate some soup and salad and the first day of January started with a growling stomach. Brittany was happy. She had everything under control and the chaos in her mind was becoming less.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

January passed, February came. The amounts of laxatives Brittany used increased by the day, because the few pills she had started out with had stopped working a long time ago. She had to take more pills to achieve the same result. Her bowels were getting lazy and the cramps in her stomach were getting worse. She bought the laxatives at different drugstores in the town so that nobody would ask questions. Her hair was starting to fall out again and she was cold all day long.

"You're losing weight again." Her dad commented one night when they were doing the dishes together. It wasn't a question but a statement.

Brittany picked up a dripping plate. "That's not true." She defended herself softly.

"Don't lie to me, Brittany. I can see it. You're always cold and the thin, fuzzy hair on your face is growing back." He put a glass down on the counter with such force that it broke. "Damn it!"

Brittany's eyes widened when she caught sight of the red liquid seeping down his arm. "Dad, you're bleeding."

"So? That isn't nearly as bad as watching your daughter starve herself to death." He slumped down in a chair with a towel pressed to the wound on his hand.

"Dad, don't. I…"

"…can't help it? Is that what you were going to say? I'm pretty sure that you can. You could start eating again for example." Her dad interrupted her. Brittany wanted to run away but it was like her feet were glued to the ground. "We're at a loss, Brittany. I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe you should see a doctor again."

"No, I don't. I promise that…"

"A promise from someone with anorexia isn't worth anything." Peter grumbled as he removed the towel from his hand. The wound was still bleeding a little.

Brittany turned to look at her father. His features were twisted in concern. Brittany could feel her stomach turn and suddenly, she couldn't hold it together anymore. Her face crumbled as tears erupted from her eyes. Peter stood up and removed the plate from Brittany's hands before pulling her into a hug. Brittany allowed him, she felt safe in his embrace. She rested her head on his shoulder as sobs wracked her body.

"It's okay, baby girl. Just let it all out." Her dad whispered as he gently rubbed her back with his good hand.

It was decided that Brittany didn't have to go to a doctor. She made sure to put her parents' minds at ease by eating normally every night and joining them for breakfast and lunch on the weekends.

* * *

March came around. It was sunny outside and flowers were blooming. One day, after the bell for the second lunch break had gone off, Santana suddenly pulled Brittany into a quiet corner in the hallway. Her expression was a mixture of worry and fear.

"What have you eaten today?" She asked her girlfriend, cutting right to the chase.

"You know that I was declared healthy at the clinic, right?" Brittany asked, irritated. It literally and figuratively felt like she was being cornered.

Santana narrowed her eyes. "Are you really?"

"Of course I am!" Brittany exclaimed. "Why?"

"Okay, in that case, can you tell me what you've eaten today?" Santana asked with a serious expression. She wasn't going to let it go this time. She had made that mistake once and she wasn't going to make it again.

"It isn't any of your business but if you really want to know, I ate my sandwiches."

"What was on them?"

Brittany could feel herself starting to get angry. The fury bubbling in her stomach was slowly starting to rise. "Peanut butter." She said in a low voice. It was true. She had seen her dad make them this morning.

"Then how do you explain this?" Santana asked. Feeling frustrated and sad, she pulled a bag with two peanut butter sandwiches out of her backpack. They obviously belonged to Brittany. "You're doing it again, Britt. You're starving yourself again, aren't you?"

Brittany hated seeing the pain in Santana's eyes but at that moment, she couldn't help but feel the need to defend herself. "No, I'm not. Besides, what does it matter to you anyway?" She snapped. Her body was trembling with tension and anger.

"Everything! You're my girlfriend and I love you. I can see that you're heading down the wrong path." Santana said in desperation. "You're being distant and secretive again."

"Stop exaggerating. I'm fine."

"You're not fine. You're losing weight again!" Santana yelled as tears welled up in her eyes.

Brittany just stared at the brunette. She wanted nothing more than to tell her that she wasn't okay at all. Of course she wasn't okay. She was hungry again but this time it had reached a new, agonizing level. Every bone and muscle in her body ached. But she didn't mention any of this to Santana.

"San, I'm fine. You don't have to worry. Like I said before, I'm better now. I now realize that your body can't survive without food. That your hair won't stay on your head if you don't eat and your heart can't handle it if you throw up your food. I know all this. They taught me at the clinic so why would I risk my health?"

Santana studied her face for a few seconds. She let out a shuddering breath. "I don't believe you."

"Well, then don't. I'm fine."

"I'm going to your parents." Santana suddenly blurted out.

Brittany's eyes widened. "Don't even think about it." She hissed.

"Think about me for once, Britt. Do you think I want to go to your parents and tell them that you're not okay again? Do you think I enjoy helplessly watching my girlfriend starve herself to death?" Santana cried. She inhaled deeply to calm herself before continuing. "I love you so much. You're not only my girlfriend, but my best friend too. You need to stop doing this to yourself because I can't handle it anymore. Open your eyes, Brittany. Look at yourself."

"Believe me, there's nothing wrong with me." Brittany tried weakly once more.

"No, Brittany, not this time. I'm going to your parents."

Brittany sighed heavily. She could feel herself become more angry by the second but she kept it together. "Whatever. Can you please do it after Charlie's birthday? He's turning six tomorrow and you would ruin his day by talking to my parents."

"So you're admitting that there's something wrong with you?" Santana asked, new found hope shimmering in her eyes.

"No, but apparently there's nothing that I can do to change your mind." Brittany said before walking away. She was pissed. She couldn't believe that Santana was going to talk to her parents, again.

Brittany stormed into the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind her. She put the toilet seat down and sat down on it. She had to think and get rid of the chaos in her mind. She was torn. Part of her wanted to scream at Santana, tell her to shut up and leave her alone. But a different part of her felt guilty for causing Santana all this pain and actually thought it was nice that Santana cared so much. Brittany just wished that she would stop bringing up food. It was always the same question, what have you eaten today? It drove her nuts. She knew that Santana was just worried about her but there was more to her than just food. There was so much more.

* * *

They celebrated Charlie's birthday the next day. He had turned six. The kitchen and the living room were decorated with bright colors. It was supposed to make you happy but Brittany felt anything but that. Her stomach was churning. She wondered if her parents would buy it if she told them that she wasn't feeling well and that she would eat some cake later. It didn't really matter anyway. If Santana was going to tell them everything tomorrow, she would probably be send back to the clinic. Just the thought itself horrified Brittany.

Maybe there was a still a way to change Santana's mind. Her parents would be devastated if they found out that she was still trying to lose weight. They wouldn't be able to handle it and neither would Brittany, she didn't want her parents to be sad.

Brittany glanced at the clock on the wall. Santana had also been invited to Charlie's birthday party and she would probably show up soon. The thought hadn't even left her mind yet when the doorbell rang. Santana had showed up with a huge present in her hands. Charlie, who had opened the door with Brittany, squealed in excitement. He wasn't allowed to open it yet though. Their mom told him to wait until all the guests had arrived.

Luckily, the guests arrived one by one and soon the living room was packed with people. All the boys and girls in Charlie's class were there along with their grandparents. His presents were piled up on a table in the corner of the room. It looked quite impressive. The kitchen door suddenly opened and Linda walked into the room with a huge cake. Everybody sang Happy Birthday as Peter cleared the table to make room for the cake. He lifted his son from the ground so that the boy could blow the candles out. "One, two, three…"

Brittany watched them from a distance with Santana standing next to her. She smiled faintly when Charlie managed to blow out all six candles at once. Peter ruffled his hair. "Good job, buddy. It's time for some cake!"

He put Charlie down on the ground and picked up a knife and began to slice the cake in pieces. Brittany walked over to him to help him. "The largest and prettiest slice goes to the birthday boy." She said as she handed Charlie a plate.

"I don't want cake!" Charlie suddenly yelled out.

Brittany looked at him with a confused expression. "Why not? Are you sick?" She placed her free hand on Charlie's forehead. "You don't feel warm."

"I still don't want cake." Charlie yelled again.

Brittany frowned. "But it was specially made for you."

"Cake makes you fat and I don't want to be fat."

An immediate silence fell over the room. Even Charlie's loud friends were quiet. Her parents, Madison and Brittany started at Charlie with wide eyes. Charlie's eyebrows pinched together, he knew that meant serious business.

Brittany felt like she couldn't breathe. The room was spinning around her. She quickly put the plate, that she was still holding, down on the table before she would drop it. This was all her fault. Charlie didn't want to eat because of her. Brittany had to hold onto something to keep herself standing. That something turned out to be Santana's shoulder. Brittany could tell that her dad was trying to hold his anger down and her mom her tears. She swallowed thickly but it didn't help. She felt nauseas and dizzy.

"What did you just say?" Linda finally broke the silence.

"Cake makes you fat."

"Who taught you that?" Santana asked gently as she crouched down beside the boy.

"Nobody. I saw it on TV. They said it." Charlie said. Brittany could finally breathe again. It wasn't because of her. Charlie had learned it from TV, not from her. She slumped down on the couch.

"Not everything they say on TV is true, sweetie." Santana said. "Do you really want to miss out on this cake because someone else said that it might make you fat? I find that hard to believe."

Charlie grinned toothily. He hugged Santana, grabbed his plate and skipped off to eat it somewhere with his friends. Everybody sighed in relief. This had scared Brittany beyond imagination. For the first time she realized how her parents must've felt when they found out that their daughter had stopped eating. She was so ashamed. Something definitely had to happen. It was time for to face the truth, that she wasn't okay, again. She absolutely did not want Charlie to follow her footsteps.

Brittany was sitting on the couch with her head between her knees. She clasped her hands over her ears as she rocked back and forth, mumbling unintelligibly. Something had to happen. Otherwise, things would go horribly wrong. It was then that she decided to go to the doctor herself tomorrow. She suddenly felt a hand on her shoulder and Santana's concerned voice sounded seconds later, "Britt? Baby, please look at me."

Brittany released a shaky breath. She slowly removed her hands and looked at Santana. She saw nothing but worry, love and sincerity in her girlfriend's eyes. Santana smiled softly. "Let's go outside for a minute."

She took Brittany's hand and pulled her to her feet. Brittany didn't protest and allowed her to lead her outside. There, they lowered themselves to the ground with their backs turned to the living room window. Brittany's thoughts were a mess but she was slowly starting to calm down.

The blonde took a deep breath. She had to, what she was going to say to Santana required a lot of air. "San?"

Santana kept looking straight ahead. "Yeah?"

"I, uh… haven't been feeling that well lately." Brittany said softly. It was the first time that she had admitted it to her girlfriend out loud. Santana didn't say anything. She wrapped her arm around Brittany's shoulders and pulled her close. They sat there that for a long time. Silently. Both lost in their own thoughts. The rest of the world was momentarily forgotten.

"I have chaos in my mind and I don't know how to stop it." Brittany said after a while. Santana listened intently as Brittany poured her heart out, about feeling broken and scared and most of all, confused. The more she talked, the easier it became for Santana to understand and absorb everything. When Brittany reached the end of her story, she felt connected to her on a completely different level.

She reached out and took Brittany's hand in her own. "I'm proud of you, Britt." She said with a small smile. She knew that opening up like this was a huge step for Brittany, possibly even the break-through they had all been waiting for. She raised Brittany's hands to her lips and pressed a kiss to it. "We're going to get through this, together."

Brittany felt emotionally drained but incredibly relieved. For the first time in months, she was hopeful that, with the help of everyone around her, she could beat her disease. She sighed and snuggled closer to Santana, absorbing her warmth.

"I love you, San."

"I love you too, Britt."

**The End.**


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